Last time, I dedicated an entire post to the best lines out of the Firefly series, and only got halfway through its first and only season! I can’t imagine how many posts I’ve going to have to divide this into to make them all fit and not be totally overwhelming to read! Best estimates put it at three…
The crew pull a job on a backwater planet where apparently, Jayne is worshiped as a popular hero. When the local people realize he’s returned, things get real interesting real fast!
Simon: I swear… when it’s appropriate.
Kaylee: Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain’t appropriate.
Simon: What… happened in here?
Jayne: Needed to find some tape.
Simon: So you had to tear my infirmary apart?
Simon: My God. You’re like a trained ape… without the training!
Mal: You wanna tell me how come there’s a statue of you here, looking at me like I owe him something?
Jayne: Wishin’ I could, Captain.
Mal: No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me–?
Jayne: Look, Mal, I got no ruttin’ idea. I was here a few years back, like I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from the magistrate up on the hill. But things went way south. I had to hightail it. They don’t…put you on a pedestal in town square for that.
Mal: Yeah, but I’m looking at some fair compelling evidence says they do.
Simon: [staring at the statue] This must be what going mad feels like.
Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?
River: Fixing your Bible.
Book: I, um…what?
River: Bible’s broken. Contradictions, false logistics – doesn’t make sense.
Book: It’s not about… making sense. It’s about believing in something. And letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It’s about faith. You don’t fix faith, River. It fixes you.
River: They say the snow on the roof is too heavy. They say the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger.
Book: River? Please, why don’t you come on out?
River: No! Can’t. Too much hair.
Book: Is— is that it?
Zoe: Hell, yes, preacher. If I didn’t have stuff to get done, I’d be in there with her.
Mal: So, that’s where the little ‘Jayne Day Celebration’ we got planned comes in. Should give us enough time to get the goods back onto Serenity.
Jayne: I don’t know. You think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?
Mal: You better laugh when you say that.
Jayne: No really, Mal, I mean, maybe there’s something to this. The Mudders? I think I really made a difference in their lives. You know — me, Jayne Cobb.
Mal: I know your name, jackass.
Simon: I mean, my way of being… polite, or however it’s… Well, it’s the only way I have of… showing you… that I like you… of showing respect.
Kaylee: So, when… we made love last night—
Simon: When we what?!
Kaylee: You really are such an easy mark.
Jayne: Hell, there weren’t a-one of them understood what happened out there; they’re… probably stickin’ that statue right back up.
Mal: Most like.
Jayne: I don’t know why that eats at me so.
Mal: It’s my estimation that… every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sumbitch or another. Ain’t about you, Jayne. It’s about what they need.
Out of Gas:
A malfunction in the engine forces the crew of the Serenity to abandon ship. Mal stays behind, but is wounded when the crew of another ship try to take him for all he has!
Zoe: You paid money for this, sir? On purpose?
Mal: What? Come on, seriously, Zoe. Whaddya think?
Zoe: Honestly, sir? I think you got robbed.
Mal: Robbed? What? No. What do you mean?
Zoe: It’s a piece of fei-oo.
Mal: Fei-oo? Okay, she won’t be winning any beauty contests anytime soon. But she’s solid. Ship like this, be with ya ’til the day you die.
Zoe:Cause it’s a deathtrap.
Mal: Try to see past what she is, and on to what she can be.
Zoe: What’s that, sir?
Mal: Freedom, is what.
Zoe: [pointing] I meant, what’s that?
Mal: Oh. Yeah, just step around that. I think somethin’ must’ve been livin’ in here.
Mal: Which one do you figured tracked us?
Zoe: The ugly one, sir.
Mal: Could you be more specific?
al: Looks can be deceiving.
Jayne: Not as deceiving as a lowdown, dirty… deceiver.
Wash: What do you expect me to do, Mal?
Mal: Whatever you have to! And if you can’t do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat—
Wash: And what?! Wave my arms around?
Mal: Wave your arms around, jump up and down, divert the navsats to the transmitter – whatever.
Wash: Divert the— Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when you’re about to die!
Mal: Give the beacon a boost, wouldn’t it?
Wash: Yes, Mal! It would boost the signal. But even if some passerby did happen to receive, all it would do is muck up their navigation!
Mal: Could be that’s true.
Wash: Damn right, it’s true! They’d be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go anyplace.
Wash: Well, maybe I should do that then!
Mal: Maybe you should!
Kaylee: You offerin’ me a job?
Mal: Believe I just did.
Kaylee: I just gotta ask my folks. Don’t leave without me!
Bester: Mal! What do you need two mechanics for?
Mal: I really don’t.
The crew agrees to pull a job for Simon on the core planet of Ariel. In exchange for getting him and his sister into a hospital, so he can examine her and determine what Alliance scientists did to her, they will get to a chance to steal some lucrative medical supplies.
[Jayne spits on his sharpening stone and sharpens his big knife]
Simon: Could you not do that while we’re… ever?
Wash: So, two days in a hospital? That’s awful! Don’t you just hate doctors?
Wash: I mean, present company excluded.
Jayne: Let’s not be excludin’ people. That’d be rude.
[River slashes Jayne's chest.]
River: He looks better in red.
[Practicing their cover story]
Mal: Patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn’t bring ‘em back-
Simon: They were cyanotic and not responsive.
Simon: What about cortical electrodes?
Jayne: Oh! …We forget ‘em.
Simon: Let’s try that again.
Mal: Pupils were fixed and dilapitated—
Mal: Dilated. Dilated! Ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng! Shiny.
[At the hospital]
Emergency Nurse: What do you got?
Mal: Got a couple DOAs. By the time we got there—
Emergency Nurse: Take them down to the morgue.
Jayne: We applied the cortical electrodes, but we were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient!
Mal: Now all we need is a coupla patients.
Simon: Corpses, actually. For this plan to work, River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: I’m starting to like this plan.
Mal: You know, I hear tell they used to keelhaul traitors back in the day. I don’t have a keel to haul you on, so…
Jayne: What’re you takin’ it so personal for? It ain’t like I ratted you out to the feds!
Mal: Oh, but you did! You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! But since that’s a concept you can’t seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place here. You did it to me, Jayne. And that’s a fact.
Simon: I brought some medicine. Do you remember why we went to hospital?
River: It’s time to go to sleep again.
Simon: No, mei-mei. It’s time to wake up.
Mal and Wash are abducted by their old client and crimelord, Niska. In the course of being tortured, they get to work out some of their issues regarding his and Zoe’s relationship.
Book: [quoting Xiang Yu] He said, “Live with a man forty years. Share his house, his meals… speak on every subject… then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano’s edge. And on that day, you will finally meet the man.”
Simon: What if you don’t live near a volcano?
Book: I expect he was being poetical.
Simon: Sadistic crap legitimized by florid prose. Tell me you’re not a fan.
Book: I’m just wondering if they were. The people who did this to your sister.
Mal: Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots… SHUT UP! …One of you is gonna fall and die, and I’m not cleaning it up!
Kaylee: Zoe, how come you always cut your apples?
Wash: You do?
Kaylee: Her and Cap’n both. Whenever we get fresh fruit, they never just munch on ‘em.
Zoe: You know what a griswald is?
Jayne: It’s a grenade.
Zoe: About the size of a battery, responds to pressure. Our platoon was stuck in a trench outside of New Casmir during the winter campaign. More than a week, completely cut off, and the Alliance entrenched not ten yards away. We even got to talkin’ to ‘em, yelling across insults and jokes and such, ’cause [there was] no ammo to speak of, no orders, so what’re you gonna do? We mentioned that we were out of rations and ten minutes later, a bunch of apples rained into the trench.
Wash: And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree to a magical land with unicorns and a harp!
Kaylee: Blew off their heads, huh?
Zoe: Cap’n said wait, but they were so hungry…Don’t make much noise, just little pops and there’s three guys that kinda just…end at the rib cage.
Wash: But these apples are healthsome, and good.
Jayne: Yeah, grenades cost extra.
Wash: And then came the lying to me about it, which for me is sort of the highlight of this little adventure.
Zoe: Is there any way I’m gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?
Wash: You’re pretty much down to ritual suicide, lamby-toes.
Zoe: I thought your plan was too risky! I thought.
Wash: Then tell me. I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it. Don’t hide behind Mal ’cause you know he’ll shoot it down for you. Tell me.
Zoe: Right. ‘Cause what this marriage needs is one more shouting match!
Wash: No, what this marriage needs is one less husband.
[Inara's client, a woman, walks in]
Book: Oh, my.
Kaylee: Oh, gosh, I-I knew she took female clients, I just, uh- They look so glamorous together.
Jayne:…I’ll be in my bunk.
Wash: Didn’t want you taking off without me. In fact, didn’t want you taking off at all. Thought I might take this run instead. Me and the Captain.
Mal: The Captain who’s standing right here telling you that’s not gonna happen?
Wash: Well, it’s a dangerous mission, sir. I can’t stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure. I just can’t take that right now.
Mal: Okay, um, I’m lost. Uh, I’m angry, and I’m armed, so if you two have something that you need to work out -
Wash: Hey, I’ve been in a firefight before. Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired, from a fry cook opportunity. I can handle myself.
Wash: I don’t want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what’s happening then you tell me. You wouldn’t spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting, and possibly scheming. So, whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. And you know why? Because no matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back. With the stories. So… I’m Zoe. Now… what do I do?
Mal: Probably not talk quite so much.
Wash: Right. Less talking. She’s terse. I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic... If I’m not gonna talk, then you have to!
Zoe: Preacher, don’t the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killin’?
Book: Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.
Zoe: Jayne. This somethin’ the Captain has to do for himself.
Mal: No! No, it’s not!
Zoe: Oh. [shoots the henchman.]
Mal: So— I hear you all took up arms in that little piece of action back there. How you farin’ with that, Doctor?
Simon: I don’t know. I, uh, I never— never shot anyone before.
Book: I was there, son. I’m fair sure you haven’t shot anyone… yet.
Mal: I know it’s a… difficult mission, but you and I… have to get it on.
Zoe: I understand. We have no choice. [deadpan] Take me, sir. Take me hard.
Jayne: Well, somethin’ about that is just downright unsettlin’.
Wash: We’ll be in our bunk.
Jayne: Oh, hey— [smacks Mal in the chest where he's injured] free soup!
And I’m still not done! But I already predicted this would take at least three posts. So stay tuned for what is likely to be (presumably) the final installment in the Firefly/Serenity series!