I can remember, somewhat vaguely, when the Versatile Blogger Awards were making the rounds and I received a nomination. I felt so… confused. It’s like, so it’s an award… but it’s not an award? I get nominated but there’s no winner and no prize money? What gives? And then came the Kreative Blogger Awards, the Lucky Sevens, and a slew of others. And all the while, I aint got no stinking reward cash! So you can imagine how “honored” I was to find out that I’ve been nominated for a Liebster Blog Award, which also doesn’t come with cash!
Ah, I’m just kidding, Carly! I’m very honored that you chose to nominate me for this. But just for fun, I thought I’d give an acceptance speech loaded with sarcasm, self-pity and recrimination. People always talk about how happy they are, how unworthy they are, and who they want to thank. Me? I want to talk about who I BLAME! And all the while, I’ll be reminding everybody just how worthy I am of their praise and how crappy a job I think they’re doing of kissing my ass! Brace yourself, this is not going to be pretty…
First off, I blame my parents. I didn’t ask to be born! And what’s more, I blame them for providing me with the kind of stable, privileged, upper-middle class upbringing with just aint cool anymore. If I want to be a successful writer, I need a hook, an angle, a background I can exploit for cheap sympathy and street cred! Mom, Pop – why couldn’t we have been the kind of broken home that inspires it’s kids to be tough and responsible? Why couldn’t I have grown up in a neighborhood where kids were badass and throw downs involved more than just hurt feelings? I can’t help but think that if I had picked up a few flesh wounds in my time, I might also be hawking vitamin water and my own line of apparel.
Second, I blame my friends who made the unforgivable mistake of believing in me. Everybody knows that the best success stories come from overcoming the odds and flying in the face of all the naysayers. So may I say, you’ve all failed me terribly! Where was the “you’re never going to make it” or the “you just don’t have what it takes” speeches? How am I supposed to succeed with all you people telling me what I’m doing sounds “interesting” or that “you’re all pulling for me”? Didn’t you see Million Dollar Baby? Do you really think she would have become a great fighter if her momma said “Everybody in the trailer park is cheering for ya, honey”?
Third, I blame my peers and colleagues for not challenging me enough. Sure, you’ve been supportive, friendly, and generally a pleasure to be around, but did you ever once think of ME? It’s a well known fact that people need conflict in order to be creative, so why the hell didn’t any of you troll me or call me a hack? The best I could do was some kid who barely spoke passable English and didn’t even seem to understand what the article he was slamming was about. What kind of nemesis is that? If I’m going to nominate anybody for anything, it’s going to be for the Crappy Enemy Award. The nominees in that category are… all of you!
And last, I’d like to blame God. Of all the generations and countries I could have been born into, why did you stick me with Generation Echo here in Canada? Were you aware that I would grow up in a time and place where the standard of living was ranked highest in the world? Were you aware that I would grow up surrounded by a diverse array of people who would teach me so many interesting things, like how lucky I was and how rich and wonderful the world really is? Yeah, I know you’re busy running the universe and all that, but seriously, you could have done a way better job on me! Thanks to you, I got no complaints! Well, sure, I could complain about a few things, but the who the hell would want to listen? I’ve never seen a war, never known hunger, never known poverty or neglect. I’ve never seen a person die or been traumatized by the sheer brutality that some people have to face on a daily basis. In short, I’m not interesting! Sure, you stuck me with a real nice situation, but no one wants to hear about nice! If it’s true that a person is the sum total of their experiences, might I then say that I’m boring and it’s clearly your fault.
So thank you all for this honor and I hope you’re happy. I know I am
Okay, sarcasm done. Hope you found it funny because I was kind of blowing my cover towards the end there. I really can’t be too sarcastic when it comes to the suffering of other people and how I’ve never had to deal with that. That’s just too plain stark and serious to ever really joke about. But I hope my point was clear. I am a lucky man and I want to pass that on to as many people as I possibly can before I die. I’ve felt for the longest time that that’s my Dharma, my purpose since I’ve been dealt a pretty good hand. What the universe gives ya, you should pay forward, or back, as the case may be.
Oh, and I will be sure to actually follow the rules and nominate people. Hang on, that’s coming up in my next post