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A funny lyrical poem about Curiosity and its mission to Mars.

vb guenther's avatarvb's reverbs

Lo, I have traveled far into space
Three hundred, fifty-two million miles.
Endured eight and one-half months of trials
To perpetuate the human race.

The rover named Curiosity
Has been a useful incubator.
Its wheel has kept me safe and sound for
Preservation of humanity.

I’m a hitchhiker, the DNA
Of a very careless mechanic
Who coughed on the rover’s wheel when sick
And contaminated it that day.

Now, Curiosity’s wheels are down
The tread is buried in the hot sand.
I know extinction is not at hand.
I puff and gloat, “The new guy’s in town.”

Bring on radiation, cosmic rays.
Like the roach, I know I will survive.
And come out of all of this alive
To welcome Earth’s men one of these days.

I’m the genetic conduit for man
To merge the past into the future.
My presence here was by chance, for sure
But I’m programmed…

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Opening Ceremonies, the Queen, and James Bond

I trust just about everyone caught the Opening Ceremonies on TV today. And even if you didn’t see it live, I imagine it’s only a matter of time before you catch the highlights on replay or Youtube. And I for one was seriously impressed!

Between the amazingly-choreographed reenactment of the industrial revolution (under the watchful eye of veteran actor Kenneth Branagh), the Parade of Nations, the psychedelic display to the tune of “Come Together”, and the torch lighting display, followed by Paul McCartney playing “Hey Jude”, and the final volleys of fireworks from the perfectly designed stadium, the whole thing was a visual and auditory delight!

Seriously, it was like a watching a Steampunk writer’s wet dream crossed with an acid trip and topped off by a hit of ecstasy (drugs are wrong)! But what I, and I imagine most people liked most, was the display put on by Daniel Craig (aka. James Bond) and Queen Elizabeth II herself. I won’t indulge in the details since there are those who may not have seen it yet, but suffice it to say, it was the perfect combination of funny and awesome! And that Queen Elizabeth II is a damn good sport, apparently. The director said he never had to tell her anything twice.

I would be happy to include the video here, but unforunately, the Olympic Committee is block usage of their media. But one thing they don’t own the rights to is the new Skyfall trailer that premiered during the ceremonies. Click on the window below to check it out!

Of Mechanical Minds

A few weeks back, a friend of mine, Nicola Higgins, directed me to an article about Google’s new neural net. Not only did she provide me with a damn interesting read, she also challenged me to write an article about the different types of robot brains. Well, Nicola, as Barny Stintson would say “Challenge Accepted!”And I got to say, it was a fun topic to get into.

After much research and plugging away at the lovely thing known as the internet (which was predicted by Vannevar Bush with his proposed Memor-Index system (aka. Memex) 50 years ago, btw) I managed to compile a list of the most historically relevant examples of mechanical minds, culminating in the development of Google’s Neural Net. Here we go..

Earliest Examples:
Even in ancient times, the concept of automata and arithmetic machinery can be found in certain cultures. In the Near East, the Arab World, and as far East as China, historians have found examples of primitive machinery that was designed to perform one task or another. And even though few specimens survive, there are even examples of machines that could perform complex mathematical calculations…

Antikythera mechanism:
Invented in ancient Greece, and recovered in 1901 on the ship that bears the same name, the Antikythera is the world’s oldest known analog calculator, invented to calculate the positions of the heavens for ancient astronomers. However, it was not until a century later that its true complexity and significance would be fully understood. Having been built in the 1st century BCE, it would not be until the 14th century CE that machines of its complexity would be built again.

Although it is widely theorized that this “clock of the heavens” must have had several predecessors during the Hellenistic Period, it remains the oldest surviving analog computer in existence. After collecting all the surviving pieces, scientists were able to reconstruct the design (pictured at right), which essentially amounted to a large box of interconnecting gears.

Pascaline:
Otherwise known as the Arithmetic Machine and Pascale Calculator, this device was invented by French mathematician Blaise Pascal in 1642 and is the first known example of a mechanized mathematical calculator. Apparently, Pascale invented this device to help his father reorganize the tax revenues of the French province of Haute-Normandie, and went on to create 50 prototypes before he was satisfied.

Of those 50, nine survive and are currently on display in various European museums. In addition to giving his father a helping hand, its introduction launched the development of mechanical calculators all over Europe and then the world. It’s invention is also directly linked to the development of the microprocessing circuit roughly three centuries later, which in turn is what led to the development of PC’s and embedded systems.

The Industrial Revolution:
With the rise of machine production, computational technology would see a number of developments. Key to all of this was the emergence of the concept of automation and the rationalization of society. Between the 18th and late 19th centuries, as every aspect of western society came to be organized and regimented based on the idea of regular production, machines needed to be developed that could handle this task of crunching numbers and storing the results.

Jacquard Loom:
Invented by Joseph Marie Jacquard, a French weaver and merchant, in 1801, the Loom that bears his name is the first programmable machine in history, which relied on punch cards to input orders and turn out textiles of various patterns. Thought it was based on earlier inventions by Basile Bouchon (1725), Jean Baptiste Falcon (1728) and Jacques Vaucanson (1740), it remains the most well-known example of a programmable loom and the earliest machine that was controlled through punch cards.

Though the Loom was did not perform computations, the design was nevertheless an important step in the development of computer hardware. Charles Babbage would use many of its features to design his Analytical Engine (see next example) and the use of punch cards would remain a stable in the computing industry well into the 20th century until the development of the microprocessor.

Analytical Engine:
Also known as the “Difference Engine”, this concept was originally proposed by English Mathematician Charles Babbage. Beginning in 1822 Babbage began contemplating designs for a machine that would be capable of automating the process of creating error free tables, which arose out of difficulties encountered by teams of mathematicians who were attempting to do it by hand.

Though he was never able to complete construction of a finished product, due to apparent difficulties with the chief engineer and funding shortages, his proposed engine incorporated an arithmetical unit, control flow in the form of conditional branching and loops, and integrated memory, making it the first Turing-complete design for a general-purpose computer. His various trial models (like that featured at left) are currently on display in the Science Museum in London, England.

The Birth of Modern Computing:
The early 20th century saw the rise of several new developments, many of which would play a key role in the development of modern computers. The use of electricity for industrial applications was foremost, with all computers from this point forward being powered by Alternating and/or Direct Current and even using it to store information. At the same time, older ideas would be remain in use but become refined, most notably the use of punch cards and tape to read instructions and store results.

Tabulating Machine:
The next development in computation came roughly 70 years later when Herman Hollerith, an American statistician, developed a “tabulator” to help him process information from the 1890 US Census. In addition to being the first electronic computational device designed to assist in summarizing information (and later, accounting), it also went on to spawn the entire data processing industry.

Six years after the 1890 Census, Hollerith formed his own company known as the Tabulating Machine Company that was responsible for creating machines that could tabulate info based on punch cards. In 1924, after several mergers and consolidations, Hollerith’c company was renamed International Business Machines (IBM), which would go on to build the first “supercomputer” for Columbia University in 1931.

Atanasoff–Berry Computer:
Next, we have the ABC, the first electronic digital computing device in the world. Conceived in 1937, the ABC shares several characteristics with its predecessors, not the least of which is the fact that it is electrically powered and relied on punch cards to store data. However, unlike its predecessors, it was the first machine to use digital symbols to compute and was the first computer to use vacuum tube technology

These additions allowed the ABC to acheive computational speeds that were previously thought impossible for a mechanical computer. However, the machine was limited in that it could only solve systems of linear equations, and its punch card system of storage was deemed unreliable. Work on the machine also stopped when it’s inventor John Vincent Atanasoff was called off to assist in World War II cryptographic assignments. Nevertheless, the machine remains an important milestone in the development of modern computers.

Colossus:
There’s something to be said about war being the engine of innovation. The Colossus is certainly no stranger to this rule, the machine used to break German codes in the Second World War. Due to the secrecy surrounding it, it would not have much of an influence on computing and would not be rediscovered until the 1990’s. Still, it represents a step in the development of computing, as it relied on vacuum tube technology and punch tape in order to perform calculations, and proved most adept at solving complex mathematical computations.

Originally conceived by Max Newman, the British mathematician who was chiefly responsible fore breaking German codes in Bletchley Park during the war, the machine was a proposed means of combatting the German Lorenz machine, which the Nazis used to encode all of their wireless transmissions. With the first model built in 1943, ten variants of the machine for the Allies before war’s end and were intrinsic in bringing down the Nazi war machine.

Harvard Mark I:
Also known as the “IBM Automatic Sequence Controlled Calculator (ASCC)”, the Mark I was an electro-mechanical computer that was devised by Howard H. Aiken, built by IBM, and officially presented to Harvard University in 1944. Due to its success at performing long, complex calculations, it inspired several successors, most of which were used by the US Navy and Air Force for the purpose of running computations.

According to IBM’s own archives, the Mark I was the first computer that could execute long computations automatically. Built within a steel frame 51 feet (16 m) long and eight feet high, and using 500 miles (800 km) of wire with three million connections, it was the industry’s largest electromechanical calculator and the largest computer of its day.

Manchester SSEM:
Nicknamed “Baby”, the Manchester Small-Scale Experimental Machine (SSEM) was developed in 1948 and was the world’s first computer to incorporate stored-program architecture.Whereas previous computers relied on punch tape or cards to store calculations and results, “Baby” was able to do this electronically.

Although its abilities were still modest – with a 32-bit word length, a memory of 32 words, and only capable of performing subtraction and negation without additional software – it was still revolutionary for its time. In addition, the SSEM also had the distinction of being the result of Alan Turing’s own work – another British crytographer who’s theories on the “Turing Machine” and development of the algorithm would form the basis of modern computer technology.

The Nuclear Age to the Digital Age:
With the end of World War II and the birth of the Nuclear Age, technology once again took several explosive leaps forward. This could be seen in the realm of computer technology as well, where wartime developments and commercial applications grew by leaps and bounds. In addition to processor speeds and stored memory multiplying expontentially every few years, the overall size of computers got smaller and smaller. This, some theorized would lead to the development of computers that were perfectly portable and smart enough to pass the “Turing Test”. Imagine!

IBM 7090:
The 7090 model which was released in 1959, is often referred to as a third generation computer because, unlike its predecessors which were either electormechanical  or used vacuum tubes, this machine relied transistors to conduct its computations. In addition, it was an improvement on earlier models in that it used a 36-bit word length and could store up to 32K (32,768) words, a modest increase in processing over the SSEM, but a ten thousand-fold increase in terms of storage capacity.

And of course, these improvements were mirrored in the fact the 7090 series were also significantly smaller than previous versions, being about the size of a desk rather than an entire room. They were also cheaper and were quite popular with NASA, Caltech and MIT.

PDP-8:
In keeping with the trend towards miniaturization, 1965 saw the development of the first commercial minicomputer by the Digital Equipment Corporation (DEC). Though large by modern standards (about the size of a minibar) the PDP-8, also known as the “Straight-8”, was a major improvement over previous models, and therefore a commercial success.

In addition, later models also incorporated advanced concepts like the Real-Time Operating System and preemptive multitasking. Unfortunately, early models still relied on paper tape in order to process information. It was not until later that the computer was upgraded to take advantage of controlling language  such as FORTRAN, BASIC, and DIBOL.

Intel 4004:
Founded in California in 1968, the Intel Corporation quickly moved to the forefront of computational hardware development with the creation of the 4004, the worlds first Central Processing Unit, in 1971. Continuing the trend towards smaller computers, the development of this internal processor paved the way for personal computers, desktops, and laptops.

Incorporating the then-new silicon gate technology, Intel was able to create a processor that allowed for a higher number of transistors and therefore a faster processing speed than ever possible before. On top of all that, they were able to pack in into a much smaller frame, which ensured that computers built with the new CPU would be smaller, cheaper and more ergonomic. Thereafter, Intel would be a leading designer of integrated circuits and processors, supplanting even giants like IBM.

Apple I:
The 60’s and 70’s seemed to be a time for the birthing of future giants. Less than a decade after the first CPU was created, another upstart came along with an equally significant development. Named Apple and started by three men in 1976 – Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and Ronald Wayne – the first product to be marketed was a “personal computer” (PC) which Wozniak built himself.

One of the most distinctive features of the Apple I was the fact that it had a built-in keyboard. Competing models of the day, such as the Altair 8800, required a hardware extension to allow connection to a computer terminal or a teletypewriter machine. The company quickly took off and began introducing an upgraded version (the Apple II) just a year later. As a result, Apple I’s remain a scarce commodity and very valuable collector’s item.

The Future:
The last two decades of the 20th century also saw far more than its fair of developments. From the CPU and the PC came desktop computers, laptop computers, PDA’s, tablet PC’s, and networked computers. This last creation, aka. the Internet, was the greatest leap by far, allowing computers from all over the world to be networked together and share information. And with the exponential increase in information sharing that occurred as a result, many believe that it’s only a matter of time before wearable computers, fully portable computers, and artificial intelligences are possible. Ah, which brings me to the last entry in this list…

The Google Neural Network:
googleneuralnetworkFrom mechanical dials to vacuum tubes, from CPU’s to PC’s and laptops, computer’s have come a hell of a long way since the days of Ancient Greece. Hell, even within the last century, the growth in this one area of technology has been explosive, leading some to conclude that it was just a matter of time before we created a machine that was capable of thinking all on its own.

Well, my friends, that day appears to have dawned. Already, Nicola and myself blogged about this development, so I shan’t waste time going over it again. Suffice it to say, this new program, which thus far has been able to identify pictures of cats at random, contains the necessary neural capacity to acheive 1/1000th of what the human brain is capable of. Sounds small, but given the exponential growth in computing, it won’t be long before that gap is narrowed substantially.

Who knows what else the future will hold?  Optical computers that use not electrons but photons to move information about? Quantum computers, capable of connecting machines not only across space, but also time? Biocomputers that can be encoded directly into our bodies through our mitochondrial DNA? Oh, the possibilities…

Creating machines in the likeness of the human mind. Oh Brave New World that hath such machinery in it. Cool… yet scary!

Of Exoskeletons

Hey all. A few days ago, I read an interesting article from Io9 that spoke of historic examples of what might be termed exoskeletons. Naturally, it got me thinking about the emerging technology of powered exoskeletons. I’ve been beating around that bush for months now and figured it was high time I just jumped into it. But an interesting thing happened. In the course of researching fictionalized examples of this technology, like Iron Man and so forth, I found that there were real historical precedents. Not just the whole “Future Soldier” concept as we know it, but ones that go back at least a century and a half.

Though they are not quite what you’d expect – for example, most have no power systems or moving parts – they are nevertheless examples of armored exoskeletons that were designed with a modern application in mind… i.e. stopping bullets. Yes, unlike your more conventional suits of armor, these concepts were designed to keep a man alive in a shootout long enough to kill his enemies, reach his objectives, or bust criminals. Here’s the list that I have compiled, in chronological order of when they were debuted:

Ned Kelly’s Armor:
Our first example comes to us from Australia of the 1870’s, in the form of the body armor worn by notorious outlaw and (to some) folk hero Ned Kelly. Like all members of his gang, Kelly decked himself out with this head to groin suit in order to protect himself from gun fire during the commission of their many robberies. Always, the suit war worn under a dust jacket to hide it’s true nature.

The armor was made of iron a quarter of an inch thick, and consisted of a long breast-plate, shoulder-plates, back-guard, and helmet and. Kelly’s suit also had apron on the back and padding was applied inside to provide comfort underneath the armor’s heavy weight of 100 pounds. The suits’ separate parts were strapped together on the body while the helmet was separate and sat on the shoulders, allowing it to be removed easily.

Initially, police dismissed rumors of this armored suit as nonsense, but in the course of a firefight,they began to wonder if Ned Kelly was even human. It was not until he fell and his dust jacket came open that they realized he was wearing the suit, and not some kind of immortal demon!

Dr. Brewster’s Armor:
In the early 1900s, a man from Dover, New Jersey named Dr. Guy Otis Brewster was famous for his experiments with unusual body armors. Perhaps his most famous suit was the bulletproof suit shown at right, which bestowed the wearer with the mien of a warrior polygon. As was to be expected, his tests of this unusual costume garnered him some rather interesting press coverage.

During WWI, his popularity led the US military to take notice. Due to the sheer number of deaths overseas to machine gun fire, and America’s impending involvement in the war. Experiments were conducted at the Picatinny Arsenal in April, 1917, when Dr. Brewster stood in front of a Lewis machine gun and was shot several times. After receiving several hits, he indicated that he suffered no trauma or serious pain from the experience. In fact, he claimed declared that it was “only about one tenth the shock which he experienced when struck by a sledge-hammer.”

However, his designs were not picked up for use in the war, though it was part of a larger effort to equip soldiers with body armor to defend against the hail of bullets they were forced to walk into.

WWI Trench Armor:
The Great War was the most brutal war history had seen at date. And as such, some rather interesting – and in some cases, medieval – equipment was developed as a result. This included many designs of trench armor, which could be something as simple as a faceplate and helmet to a full metal body-suit. The purpose in each case was to provide the wearer with all the necessary protection to ensure that they would be resistant to snipers, machine guns and all other forms of enemy fire.

Naturally, these designs were never picked up en masse, mainly because the weight of the equipment made soldiers cumbersome. In addition, they did not protect against one other all-important killer in trench warfare, that being poisonous gas! Yes, it seemed that if a soldier had any kind of expectation of life in the trenches, their only hope was to cover themselves in sheets of metal, a helmet and a gas mask. In the end, engineers found it much easier to just develop tanks 😉

Police Wheeled Shield:
It seems that the concept for Robocop began long before 8 Man and cyborgs were ever conceived. At least, that appears to be the reasoning behind the Police Wheeled Shield. Developed in 1956 for use by Detroit policemen against rioters and gunmen, this bit of body armor came in both the wheeled and carried variety.

The shield itself is made of an impregnable layer of steel, whereas the man (or men) behind it fire through its portholes. The viewing panel is inlaid with bullet-proof glass, and the flattop carried version also comes with a head-mounted light. Those using the carried version were also equipped with bullet-proof leggings, to ensure the bad guys didn’t get wise and try to trip them up with a leg shot.

Though innovative and virtually indestructible, the wheeled shield never saw widespread use for a number of reasons. For one, it was too large and cumbersome and was eventually rendered obsolete thanks to the invention of lightweight riot shields and Kevlar vests. Still, the idea of an armored cop did play well in the movies. Go Robocop!

Future G.I.:
Developed in the late 50’s, this concept reminds us that during the Cold War, armies took the possibility of having to fight in radioactive environments very seriously. This particular bodysuit, known as the Future G.I., was developed in 1959, but was abandoned shortly thereafter in favor of more conventional concepts. Maybe they thought it was a little to dystopian or something…

In addition to a nylon armored vest that was resistant to radiation, the wearer also sported a transistor radio helmet, and a heat resistant mask. Naturally, the purpose here was to outfit soldiers so that they could defend territory that had been struck by nukes. Clearly, some people in the Pentagon thought that even after the bombs fell, soldiers would still need to fight and die for irradiated stretches of land.

All of the equipment featured in this design was state-of-the-art for the time, and you may notice the soldier posing for the photo is carrying carbine prototype which would eventually become the M16. Oddly, this is the only piece of the suit that would survive, going on to see service in Vietnam and every US conflict ever since.

“Future Soldier”:
Last, we have by far the most comprehensive and in-depth program to date for the development of an exoskeleton. Falling under the general banner of “Future Soldier”, the US and other national armies are hard at work with contractors to try and come up with a workable powered suit for armed forces use. These consist mainly of powered limbs that attach to the soldiers own arms and legs and assisting in basic motions, such as walking, lifting, and carrying heavy loads.

Each variant of the powered exoskeleton is built around the same concept, consisting primarily of an exoskeleton-like framework worn by a person and a power supply that supplies at least part of the activation-energy for limb movement. These will enable soldiers and engineers to be able to bear more weight and survive in hostile environments. Some day, they might even be able to increase a wearer’s running speed and allow them to jump higher and farther as well.

So far, civilian and military concepts for powered suits include the Ekso Bionics/Lockheed Martin HULC (Human Universal Load Carrier), the Sarcos/Raytheon XOS, the Cyderdine (no joke) HAL (Hybrid Assistive Limb) and the Argo Medical Technologies ReWalk module for paraplegics.Each of these suits give the wearer the ability to lift several times their own weight and/or assist them in the use of their limbs, especially in those who are paralyzed or do not have full range of motion or use.

Because of their obvious merits, their exists a massive commercial market for these designs as well, mainly in the field of medicine for spine-injury or terminally ill patients. In fact, it would be no exaggeration to say that military development and civilian development are feeding off each other, with research and development on the one side providing impetus and advancement to the other. So in addition to powered construction suits and Iron Man-type units, we might also be seeing walking suits replacing wheelchairs real soon!

Thank you all for reading and feel free to stay tuned for my next installment in this lineup, featuring the concept of exoskeletons and powered suits in fiction. Really folks, Iron Man is just a drop in the bucket of this fertile concept, so stick around!

Data Miners – Chapter 12

“Jesus-Aged-ClusterFUCCCCK!”

Nina winces and imagines just how far down the hall people could hear that one. Griswold has been on the phone with Cyber Division for a few minutes now, and from the sounds of it, things are not going too well. She waits until the thumping and muffled shouts are finished before breathing easy again. She also steps closer to the door and puts her hand on the knob, anticipating what’s to come when the phone is slammed down on its cradle.

“Righetti! Get the fuck in here!”

Griswold is surprised when the door pops open less than half a second later. He makes a noise in the back of his throat then motions at her to sit.

“I just got off the phone with Walters over at CCRS, he’s given me a heads-up on what they’ve learned, and it’s not much. They say they’ve found the entry point the hacker used. They used some kind of ‘breaker’ to get past our firewalls and some kind of program to cover their ISP address, whatever the hell that means! No doubt about it, we have got a serious clusterfuck on our hands here!”

Nina nods without smiling. The familiarity of the words on his tongue is patently evident. He doesn’t even bother to hide it. And the direness of the news would be a lot more convincing for her if he weren’t being so loud and profane about it. By now, she’s come to understand that the good ole CF is very popular in their line of work. Everyone in the intelligence services appears to use it; it’s kind of like their version of SNAFU or FUBAR. Funny how people in the military and intelligence community need standardized terms for fucked-up situations, she thinks. One would think they dealt with them all the time.

“I’m sending you over to DC, care of Cyber Division. You’re to pack up and head over immediately, call me direct to let me know if you need anything. Otherwise, you’ll be reporting to DD Domovitch, head of Cyber. Understood?”

“You want me there, sir?” Nina asks.

“Yes,” Griswold replies with a fair degree of annoyance, “I want your eyes and ears there, and I also want you to make sure we remind those dickheads exactly whose shit pile this is! Now who did you say brought this to your attention?”

“Johnson, sir. He was the one who got the call from the Post and gave me the file numbers on all those pics.”

“Fine, take him with you! Just get yer ass over to the capitol and make sure those fuck ups don’t screw this up any more than they already have!”

“Are we to drive ourselves, sir?” she asks semi-sarcastically.

Griswold sighs. “We still have a budget, sweetheart. I got a helicopter waiting for you outside. Now move unless you want to lose your job!”

Nina nods and turns to leave in great haste. There’s only so much of Griswold’s profanity she can stand, then she feels dirty somehow. Someday, if she were the litigious type, she might consider folding all of his curse words and offhand sexual references into one big harassment lawsuit. But right now, she’s got more important things to think about. For one, this whole hack job. It’s all a little confusing to her, naturally. She’s pretty sure Cyber crimes is not her business and that her involvement in this case ended when she handed her boss the photographic evidence of the hack. But Griswold’s paranoia is understandable. Their business has been violated and he wants someone from their department to oversee the attempts at redress.

One thing is for sure: they need to find out who did this and how. Then, they need to bring them in for some serious “questioning”. And Nina knows what will happen next, as per the Bureau’s policy. If they don’t kill them first, they’ll probably offer them a job. That’s how the whole industry works, really. If you can’t beat em, hire em!

Getting back to her desk, he picks up her phone and dials Mark’s extension. He is there, surprisingly. No voice mail and no call backs within fifteen seconds, which is his usual ritual. His voice is plain and professional too.

“Johnson.”

She is straight to the point. “Mark? Nina. You remember where my desk is?”

There is a moment of hesitation. “Yes, of course. What’s the problem?”

“No problem,” she says unequivocally. “We’ve just been reassigned to DC. Get your kit together and meet me downstairs. We’re to leave immediately, by chopper.”

She hangs up and begins dialling her next number before he can answer enthusiastically. A chopper ride is a rare privilege and she knows Mark is far more excited than she is to be getting out from behind their desks for a change. Her next call is to old unfaithful, just to let him know that she’ll be gone. That and his car privileges have been extended, among other things. She gets the answering machine at their shared apartment and leaves a message.

“Garret, this is Nina. I’ll be away for a few days. Car is yours and you’ve got the run of the place. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone and if anything’s broken when I get back – anything of mine, that is, you can start looking for a new best friend. Bye!”

Her tone is playful but Garret knows her well enough to know she’s serious. She omitted Garret’s title of “dumb shit”, and “with benefits” from her description of their relationship, for obvious reasons. She’s at work, after all. Some modicum of decorum must be maintained, especially since their boss has the market on smut talk cornered. Who wants to hear about a visiting friend she obviously doesn’t trust fully, who also happens to share her bed? Righetti is a saintly name, and she’s determined to keep it that way.

Reaching into her desk drawer, she grabs her FBI ID and her sidearm, putting both in her carrying bag and heading for the elevator to meet Mark below.

New Cover for Crashlands!

I’m surprised I waited this long. I loooove making covers! And after the release of the first six chapters over at Story Time, I decided I should finally treat Crashland like a true writing project and give it a cover. Eventually, it’s going to be complete, and I would like to make it available to the public once it is.

To give it a quick recap, Crashland takes place in the not too distant future in the megacity of BosWash. The technological singularity – the point where advances in nanotech, biotech, artificial intelligence, quantum computing will forever change things – is fast approaching. In the midst of this, a group of unknown cyber terrorists have released a virus designed to cripple the world’s information networks.

Way I see it, in this near-future scenario, all things are networked and wireless like never before. People are able to access the future internet (known as the infobahn) remotely or through various interfaces. Just about all commerce, entertainment, social interaction and politics are conducted virtually, and all electronic systems are networked, so once the virus hits, it quickly spreads and brings it all down.

The main character, William Holden, a technological mogul, finds himself lost in the streets after the Crash takes place. Desperate to find his family, he begins combing his way through the dark and is attacked and almost killed. It’s a desperate struggle for him just to go on, but in time he finds help from some unlikely sources. Since they were in a position to witness the Crash directly, they know how and why it happened, secrets they reveal to Holden in time.

And that’s the extent of the story so far. In the coming chapters, I will reveal exactly who these strangers are, how they know what they know, and how they plan to reign in the people who are responsible. Holden, since he helped design the infobahn, is in a unique position to help. However, his intentions haven’t changed since the Crash occurred. Somewhere out there, his family still resides, and he’s determined to find them. Perhaps a trade off can be made…

Who knows? You’ll have to tune in to find out. And did I mention that since it’s a serial novel, you get to vote on what happens next? Yep, so the ending and outcome of all this will depend on what you want to see happen. And of course, there are plenty of other stories to vote on. Check er out!

Firefly, Best Lines (part III)

Hello! Welcome to the third and final installment in the “Best Lines” series dedicated to the awesome show Firefly. It seems fitting that I put up the final installment in the show seeing as how my wife and I just finished (re)watching the entire series on Netflix last night. It’s times like this that make me sad that there isn’t a second, third, fourth season to pick up where it all left off. Sad and very, VERY angry! DAMN YOU FOX! Anyhoo, enjoy the list and stay tuned for a follow-up with the best lines from Serenity. Just need to (re)watch it too (man, Netflix is good to me!).

Trash:
Mal and crew are reunited with an old acquaintance – Saffron, or as she’s known now, Bridgitte – who gives them an offer they can’t refuse. Seems the first laser ever made is ripe for the picking, and the owner just happens to be her ex-husband (her first ex-husband!)

Monty: Damn you, Bridgitte! Damn you to Hades! You broke my heart in a million pieces! You made me love you, and then you… I shaved off my beard for you, devil woman!

Mal: This is my scrap of nowhere. You go on, find your own.
Saffron: You can’t just leave me here on this lifeless piece-of-crap moon.
Mal: I can.
Saffron: I’ll die.
Mal: Well, as a courtesy, you might start getting busy on that, ’cause all this chatter ain’t doin’ me any kindness.

Inara: Right, you’re a criminal mastermind! What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
Mal: That was a little dif—
Inara: What was the cargo?
Mal: …They were dolls.
Inara: They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!
Mal: Hey! People love those!

Inara: Well, since I can’t seem to find work as Companion, I might as well become a petty thief like you!
Mal: Petty?
nara: I didn’t mean petty.
Mal: What did you mean?
Inara: Suo-SHEE?
Mal: …That’s Chinese for “petty”.

Mal: Saffron has a notion we can walk right in there, take the Lassiter right off his shelf.
Wash: I’m confused.
Saffron: You’re asking yourself if I’ve got the security codes, why don’t I go in, grab it for myself?
Wash: No. Actually, I was wondering… WHAT’S SHE DOING ON THIS SHIP?

Zoe: But Inara ain’t wrong. She can’t be trusted.
Mal: I ain’t asking you to trust her. I’ll be with her on the inside the whole time.
Saffron: See there? All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is… get over it.
Zoe: Hmm. Okay. [punches Saffron] I’m in.

River: She’s a liar.
Jayne: That don’t exactly set her apart from the rest of us. The plunder sounds fun enough.
River: She’s a liar, and no good will come of her.
Jayne: Well, as a rule, I say, girlfolk ain’t to be trusted.
River: “Jayne” is a girl’s name.
Jayne: Well, Jayne ain’t a girl! She starts in on that girl’s-name thing, I’ll show her good ‘n’ all, I got man parts!
Simon: I’m… trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just… it’s not coming.

Saffron: Durran, this isn’t what it looks like.
Mal: Unless… it looks like… we’re stealing your priceless Lassiter, ’cause… that’s what we’re doing. Don’t ask me about the gun, though, ’cause that’s new.
Durran: Well, I appreciate your honesty. Not, you know, a lot, but..

Durran: How long have you been with him?
Mal: Oh— pfft! We are not together.
Saffron: He’s my husband.
Mal: Well, who in the damn galaxy ain’t?!

Jayne: Is spine okay?
Simon: How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?
Jayne: Das crazy talk.
Simon: Then let’s talk crazy. How much?
Jayne: [looks to the door] Anybody there? [River pokes her head in] Anybody else?

Simon: No matter what you do, or say or plot, no matter how you come down on us… I will never, ever harm you. You’re on this table, you’re safe. ‘Cause I’m your medic, and however little we may like or trust each other, we’re on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don’t care what you’ve done, I don’t know what you’re planning on doing, but I’m trusting you. I think you should do the same. ‘Cause I don’t see this working any other way.
River: Also… I can kill you with my brain.

Mal: Yeah. That went well.
Inara: You call this going well?
Mal: We got the loot, didn’t we?
Inara: Yes, but—
Mal: Then I call this a win. What’s the problem?
Inara: Shall I start with the part where you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere, or the part where you have no clothes?

The Message:
The crew of the Serenity get a strange and unexpected package from an old friend: his body! Initially, it seems he’s dead, but in time they realize he’s alive and smuggling cloned organs to a buyer. Unfortunately, the organs are worth something to some other people, crooked Alliance personnel who’ll stop at nothing to find him.

Simon: Yep—it’s a cow fetus.
Kaylee: Guess so. It does seem to have an awful lot of limbs.
Simon: It’s mutated.
Kaylee: But cow? How do you figure?
Simon: It’s upside down.
Kaylee: [looks sideways at it] Oh yeah. Cow.
Simon: And I’m out twelve bits! I really know how to show a girl a… disgusting time.

Wash: Oh my god, it’s grotesque! Oh, and there’s something in a jar.
Zoe: Scared her away again, did you?
Simon: D— This may come as a shock, but I’m actually… not very good at talking to girls.
Zoe: Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?
Wash: [looking at the “alien”] Do not fear me! Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony.

Jayne: I got post?
Book: Might we all want to step a few paces back before he opens that?
Jayne: Ha ha! It’s from my mother.
Inara: So, do aliens live among us?
Kaylee: Yeah. One of them’s a doctor.

Jayne: [tries on the hat his mother made him] How’s it sit? Pretty cunning, don’t you think?
Kaylee: I think it’s the sweetest hat ever.
Wash: A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he’s not afraid of anything.
Jayne: Damn straight!

[Zoe and Mal open a coffin-sized box to find a body.]
Jayne: What’d y’all order a dead guy for?

Zoe: First rule of battle, little one… don’t ever let them know where you are.
Mal: WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo!
Zoe: ‘Course, there’re other schools of thought.

Mal: Everybody dies, Tracey. Someone’s carryin’ a bullet for you right now, doesn’t even know it. The trick is, die of old age before it finds you.

Tracey: [recording] You know, it’s funny. We went to the war never lookin’ to come back, but it’s… it’s the real world I couldn’t survive. You two carried me through that war. Now I need you to carry me just a little bit further… if you can. Tell my folks I wanted to do right by them, and that I’m at peace, and all. Uh… When you can’t run anymore, you crawl, and when you can’t do that, well… Yeah, you know the rest. Thanks, b-both of you. Oh, yeah, and, uh… make sure my eyes is closed, will ya?

Mal: Oh, the colonel was dead drunk. Three hours pissin’ on about the enlisted men. Uh, “they’re scum”, uh, “they’re not fighters”, and, uh… and then he passed right out—boom.
Zoe: We couldn’t even move him. So, uh, Tracey just… snipped it right off his face.
Mal: And you never seen a man more proud of his moustache than Colonel Obrin. I mean, in all my life, I will never love a woman the way this officer loved that lip ferret.
Zoe: Big, walrus-y thing—all waxed up!
Inara: Did he find out?
Mal: Oh! Next mornin’, he wakes up, it’s gone, and he is furious! But he can’t just say, you know, “Someone stole my moustache!” So he, uh, calls together all the platoons…
Zoe: We thought he was gonna shoot us!
Mal: …and, uh… Oh, he’s eye-ballin’ all the men somethin’ fierce. Not a word. And he comes up to Tracey, and Tracey’s wearing the gorram thing on his face!
Zoe: He’d glued it on!
Mal: He’s starin’ the old man down wearing his own damn moustache!

[Tracey wakes up during his autopsy]
Jayne: Spry for a dead fella!
Tracey: Sarge?
Mal: Yeah?
Tracey: I think I’m naked.
Mal: You wanna explain to me exactly why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?

Wash: I think they’re about done being stalled to— ahhhh… AHHHHHHH! Mal, your dead army buddy’s on the bridge.
Zoe: He ain’t dead.
Wash: …Oh…

Mal: Hear that quiet? Means the call’s already been made.
Tracey: Well, that call… that call means you just murdered me.
Mal: No, son. You murdered yourself. I just carried the bullet a while.

Tracey: When you can’t run, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl, when you can’t do that…
Zoe: …you find someone to carry you.

Heart of Gold:
An old friend of Inara’s, a madame who runs a brothel, kindly asks the crew of the Serenity for help. On a distant moon, the local Sheriff, a power-hungry and corrupt man, is hellbent on stealing his son from one of the local girls.

Inara: Hi.
Mal: BWAH!
Inara: Sorry! Didn’t mean to startle.
Mal: You didn’t! I was just, uh… “BWAH!” That’s more like a… It’s a warrior like… Strikes fear into the… hearts of… You know, not altogether wise, sneaking up on a fellow when he’s handling his weapon.
Inara: I’m sure I’ve heard that said. But… perhaps the dining area isn’t the place for this sort of thing.
Mal: What do ya mean? It’s the only place with a table big enough.
Inara: Of course. In that case, every well-bred petty crook knows that the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting.

Inara: It sounds like something this crew can handle. I can’t guarantee they’ll handle it particularly well, but…
Nandi: If they got guns and brains at all.
Inara: They’ve got guns…

Jayne: Don’t much see the benefit in getting involved in strangers’ troubles without a up-front price negotiated.
Book: These people need assistance. The benefit wouldn’t necessarily be for you.
Jayne: That’s what I’m sayin’.
Zoe: No one’s gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated, this job is strictly speculative.
Jayne: Good! Don’t know these folks, don’t much care to.
Mal: They’re whores.
Jayne: I’m in.

Inara: Nandi, this is Malcolm Reynolds.
Nandi: I appreciate your coming.
Mal: Well, any friend of Inara’s is a strictly businesslike relationship of mine.

Mal: I’ll introduce you to the rest later. They’re good folk.
Jayne: Can I start getting sexed already?
Mal: Well, that one’s kinda horrific.

Simon: Isn’t there a pregnant woman I’m to examine?
Wash: You’d really lie with someone being paid for it?
Kaylee: Well, it’s not like anyone else is lining up to, you know, examine me.
Jayne: Whoop! My John Thomas is about to pop off and fly around the room, there’s so much tasty here. Ooh!
Wash: Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.

Kaylee: Everyone’s got somebody. Wash, tell me I’m pretty.
Wash: Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.
Kaylee: ‘Cause I’m pretty?
Wash: ‘Cause you’re pretty.

Mal: Nothing worse than a monster who thinks he’s right with God.
Nandi: Captain Reynolds, it took me years to cut this piece of territory out of other men’s hands, to build this business up from nothing.
Mal: Nandi…
Nandi: It’s who I am, and it’s my home. I’m not going anywhere.
Mal: Well, lady, I must say—you’re my kinda stupid.

Wash: Well, I’m not sure now is the best time to bring a tiny little helpless person into our lives.
Zoe: That excuse is gettin’ a little worn, honey.
Wash: It’s not an excuse, dear! It’s objective assessment. I can’t help that it stays relevant.
Zoe: I don’t give a good gorram about relevant, Wash, or objective. And I ain’t so afraid of losing something that I ain’t gonna try to have it. You and I would make one beautiful baby. And I want to meet that child one day. Period.

Nandi: Truth is, I expected a whole lot more of you to be takin’ payment in our trade.
Mal: Well, we’re an odd conglomeration. Got a preacher, a married fellah, and the doctor… well, he’d have to… relax for thirty seconds to get his play. That’d be more or less a miracle.

Mal: Miss Nandi, I have a confession to make.
Nandi: Maybe I should get the Shepherd.
Mal: Well, I ain’t sinned yet. And I’d feel a little more’n awkward if he were here when I did.

Nandi: Malcolm, I been waiting for you to kiss me since I showed you my guns.
Nandi: You okay with this?
Mal: I’m just waiting to see if I pass out. Long story.

Inara: So you took to bed with Nandi. I’m glad.
Mal: Glad?
Inara: Yes! She’s a dear friend, and probably in need of some comfort about now.
Mal: So, you’re okay. Well, yeah. Why… why wouldn’t you be?
Inara: I wouldn’t say I’m entirely okay. I’m a little appalled at her taste.

Jayne: [over radio] Whoa, now, girl, that is just plain dirty.
Mal: Jayne, you aware your radio’s transmittin’? Cause I ain’t feelin’ particular girlish or dirty at the moment.

Petaline: Rance, this is Jonah. Jonah… say “hi” to your daddy. [Shoots Rance.] Say “goodbye” to your daddy, Jonah.

Objects in Space:
A bounty hunter boards the Serenity and takes the crew hostage. His arrival coincided with the crew’s realization that River might be a “reader” (i.e. a psychic) and her decision to leave the ship.

Kaylee: You couldn’t possibly!
Simon: No, I wish I was lying, I just…You know, we’d all just made surgeon. That was it, we were the elite. The world was ours, you know?
Kaylee: So you had to be naked?
Simon: Naked. Yes. And, uh, on top of the statue of Hippocrates. Can’t you just picture me?
Kaylee: What, naked? Oh, well, hmm, mmm…Let’s see, I’mma have to conjure up a…yeah, that’s, that’s gonna be difficult... So did the feds come?
Simon: There were no feds. Until I started singing.
Kaylee: Oh, no!
Simon: This is not–
Kaylee: What did you sing?
Simon: This is not funny. This, this is a morality tale about the evils of sake.
Simon: [in River’s head] I would be there right now.

Jayne: Not ever ever?
Book: Some orders allow shepherds to marry, but I follow a narrower path.
Jayne: But you still got the urge? They don’t…cut it off or nothin’?
Book: No, I’m more or less intact. I just…direct my energy elsewhere.
Jayne: You mean like masturbatin’?
Book: I hope you’re not thinking of taking orders yourself?
Jayne: Heheh, yeah, that’s be the day.
Jayne: [in River’s head] I got stupid, the money was too good.
Book: [in River’s head]I don’t give half a hump if you’re innocent or not. So where does that put you?

Mal: If I want a lot of medical jargon, I’ll talk to a doctor.
Simon: You are talking to a doctor.

Wash: Little River gets more colorful by the moment. What’ll she do next?
Zoe: Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It’s a toss-up.
Wash: I hope she does the soup thing, it’s always a hoot and we don’t all die from it.

Zoë: Where’s River at now?
Mal: In her room, which I’m thinking we bolt from the outside from now on.
Wash: That a little extreme, isn’t it?
Jayne: Anyone remember her comin’ at me with a butcher’s knife?
Wash: Wacky fun…
Jayne: You wanna go, little man?
Wash: Only if it’s someplace with candlelight.
Zoe: Sir, I know she’s unpredictable. But I don’t think she’d harm anyone.
Jayne: Butcher’s knife?!
Zoe: Anyone we can’t spare.

Mal: Girl knows things. Things she shouldn’t. Things she couldn’t.
Jayne: What, are you— are you sayin’ she’s a witch?
Wash: Yes, Jayne. She’s a witch. She has had congress with the beast.
Jayne: She’s in Congress?
Wash: How did your brain even learn human speech? I’m just so curious.

Wash: Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.
Zoe: We live in a spaceship, dear.
Wash: So?

Jayne: Well, I don’t like the idea of someone hearin’ what I’m thinkin’.
Inara: No one likes the idea of hearing what you’re thinking.

Simon: Are you Alliance?
Early: Am I a lion?
Simon: What?
Early: I don’t think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though: I have a mighty roar.
Simon: I said “Alliance”.
Early: Oh, I thought—
Simon: No, I was—
Early: That’s weird.

Simon: I don’t think my last act in this verse is gonna be betraying my sister.
Early: You’re gonna help me. ‘Cause every second you’re with me is a chance to turn the tables, get the better of me. Maybe you’ll find your moment. Maybe I’ll slip. Or, you refuse to help me, I shoot your brain out, and I go upstairs and spend some time violating the little mechanic I got trussed up in the engine room. I take no pleasure in the thought, but she will die, weeping, if you cross me.
Simon: You’re out of your mind.
Early: That’s between me and my mind. Let’s start with these rooms.

Early: You ever been shot?
Simon: No.
Early: You oughta be shot. Or stabbed, lose a leg. To be a surgeon, you know? Know what kind of pain you’re dealing with. They make psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get certified, but they don’t make a surgeon get cut on. That seem right to you?

Early: Alright, that’s all the hide-and-seek I got time for. [shouting] I know you’re on this ship, little girl! Here’s how this goes: show yourself and finish this exchange, or your brother’s brains’ll be flyin’ every whichaway! [normal tone] You understand, I’m sort of on the clock here, it’s frustrating.
River: [over Serenity’s intercom] You’re wrong, Early.
Early: I’m not wrong, dumpling, I will shoot your brother dead if you don’t—
River: Wrong about River. River’s not on the ship. They didn’t want her here. But she couldn’t make herself leave. So she melted. Melted away. They didn’t know she could do that. But she did.
Early: Not sure I take your meaning there.
River: I’m not on the ship. I’m in the ship. I am the ship.
Simon: River—
River: River’s gone.
Early: Then who exactly are we talking to?
River: Talking to Serenity. And Early? Serenity is very unhappy.

Early: Where’d she go?
Simon: I can’t keep track of her when she’s not incorporeally possessing a spaceship; don’t look at me.

Early: I only hurt people ’cause they keep gettin’ in the way of me finding you. Tell her.
Simon: What am I, your advocate?
Early: You are, starting now.
Simon: He’s really very… gentle, and fuzzy. We’re becoming fast friends.
Early: You folks are all insane.
Simon: Well, my sister’s a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

Mal: There was a guy. He was very blurry. You gotta be careful. Ugh. How come there’s a guy on board and how come you’re all of a sudden the ship?
River/Serenity: I know you have questions.
Mal: That would be why I just asked them.
River/Serenity: But there isn’t a lot of time, captain. I need you to trust me.
Mal: Am I dreamin’?
River/Serenity: We all are [Mal rolls his eyes] Don’t make faces!

Early: You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I’ve ever had to transport, yet by far the most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?
Simon: What’d he do?
Early: Who?
Simon: The midget.
Early: Arson. The little man loved fire.

Early: Well I’ll be a son of a whore. You’re not in my gorram mind. You’re on my gorram ship!

Inara: Any chance that shiong-mung duh kwong-run might survive?
Mal: Air he had left, I’d say his chance’d be about one in… a very large number.

Early:[floating in space]Well, here I am.

And that’s our show! As I was beginning to expect, I’ll need a fourth post if I’m going to cover the gorram movie. Gorram, good word! Stay tuned for the final installment! It’ll be shiny! Fei-oo! Go-se! Ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng!

Firefly Best Lines (cont’d)

Last time, I dedicated an entire post to the best lines out of the Firefly series, and only got halfway through its first and only season! I can’t imagine how many posts I’ve going to have to divide this into to make them all fit and not be totally overwhelming to read! Best estimates put it at three…

Jaynestown:
The crew pull a job on a backwater planet where apparently, Jayne is worshiped as a popular hero. When the local people realize he’s returned, things get real interesting real fast!

Simon: I swear… when it’s appropriate.
Kaylee: Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain’t appropriate.

Simon: What… happened in here?
Jayne: Needed to find some tape.
Simon: So you had to tear my infirmary apart?
Jayne: Apparently.
Simon: My God. You’re like a trained ape… without the training!

Mal: You wanna tell me how come there’s a statue of you here, looking at me like I owe him something?
Jayne: Wishin’ I could, Captain.
Mal: No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me–?
Jayne: Look, Mal, I got no ruttin’ idea. I was here a few years back, like I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from the magistrate up on the hill. But things went way south. I had to hightail it. They don’t…put you on a pedestal in town square for that.
Mal: Yeah, but I’m looking at some fair compelling evidence says they do.
Simon: [staring at the statue] This must be what going mad feels like.

Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?
River: Fixing your Bible.
Book: I, um…what?
River: Bible’s broken. Contradictions, false logistics – doesn’t make sense.
Book: It’s not about… making sense. It’s about believing in something. And letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It’s about faith. You don’t fix faith, River. It fixes you.

River: They say the snow on the roof is too heavy. They say the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger.
Book: River? Please, why don’t you come on out?
River: No! Can’t. Too much hair.
Book: Is— is that it?
Zoe: Hell, yes, preacher. If I didn’t have stuff to get done, I’d be in there with her.

Mal: So, that’s where the little ‘Jayne Day Celebration’ we got planned comes in. Should give us enough time to get the goods back onto Serenity.
Jayne: I don’t know. You think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?
Mal: You better laugh when you say that.
Jayne:  No really, Mal, I mean, maybe there’s something to this. The Mudders? I think I really made a difference in their lives. You know — me, Jayne Cobb.
Mal: I know your name, jackass.

Simon: I mean, my way of being… polite, or however it’s… Well, it’s the only way I have of… showing you… that I like you… of showing respect.
Kaylee: So, when… we made love last night—
Simon: When we what?!
Kaylee: You really are such an easy mark.

Jayne: Hell, there weren’t a-one of them understood what happened out there; they’re… probably stickin’ that statue right back up.
Mal: Most like.
Jayne: I don’t know why that eats at me so.
Mal: It’s my estimation that… every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sumbitch or another. Ain’t about you, Jayne. It’s about what they need.

Out of Gas:
A malfunction in the engine forces the crew of the Serenity to abandon ship. Mal stays behind, but is wounded when the crew of another ship try to take him for all he has!

Zoe: You paid money for this, sir? On purpose?
Mal: What? Come on, seriously, Zoe. Whaddya think?
Zoe: Honestly, sir? I think you got robbed.
Mal: Robbed? What? No. What do you mean?
Zoe: It’s a piece of fei-oo.
Mal: Fei-oo? Okay, she won’t be winning any beauty contests anytime soon. But she’s solid. Ship like this, be with ya ’til the day you die.
Zoe:Cause it’s a deathtrap.

Mal: Try to see past what she is, and on to what she can be.
Zoe: What’s that, sir?
Mal: Freedom, is what.
Zoe: [pointing] I meant, what’s that?
Mal: Oh. Yeah, just step around that. I think somethin’ must’ve been livin’ in here.

Mal: Which one do you figured tracked us?
Zoe: The ugly one, sir.
Mal: Could you be more specific?

al: Looks can be deceiving.
Jayne: Not as deceiving as a lowdown, dirty… deceiver.

Wash: What do you expect me to do, Mal?
Mal: Whatever you have to! And if you can’t do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat—
Wash: And what?! Wave my arms around?
Mal: Wave your arms around, jump up and down, divert the navsats to the transmitter – whatever.
Wash: Divert the— Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when you’re about to die!
Mal: Give the beacon a boost, wouldn’t it?
Wash: Yes, Mal! It would boost the signal. But even if some passerby did happen to receive, all it would do is muck up their navigation!
Mal: Could be that’s true.
Wash: Damn right, it’s true! They’d be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go anyplace.
Wash: Well, maybe I should do that then!
Mal: Maybe you should!
Wash: Ok!
Mal: Good!
Wash: Fine!

Kaylee: You offerin’ me a job?
Bester: W-w-w—what?
Mal: Believe I just did.
Kaylee: I just gotta ask my folks. Don’t leave without me!
Bester: Mal! What do you need two mechanics for?
Mal: I really don’t.

Ariel:
The crew agrees to pull a job for Simon on the core planet of Ariel. In exchange for getting him and his sister into a hospital, so he can examine her and determine what Alliance scientists did to her, they will get to a chance to steal some lucrative medical supplies.

[Jayne spits on his sharpening stone and sharpens his big knife]
Simon: Could you not do that while we’re… ever?
Wash: So, two days in a hospital? That’s awful! Don’t you just hate doctors?
Simon: Hey!
Wash: I mean, present company excluded.
Jayne: Let’s not be excludin’ people. That’d be rude.

[River slashes Jayne’s chest.]
River: He looks better in red.

[Practicing their cover story]
Mal: Patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn’t bring ’em back-
Simon: They were cyanotic and not responsive.

Simon: What about cortical electrodes?
Jayne: Oh! …We forget ’em.
Simon: Let’s try that again.

Mal: Pupils were fixed and dilapitated—
Simon: Dilated.
Mal: Dilated. Dilated! Ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng! Shiny.

[At the hospital]
Emergency Nurse: What do you got?
Mal: Got a couple DOAs. By the time we got there—
Emergency Nurse: Take them down to the morgue.
Jayne: We applied the cortical electrodes, but we were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient!

Mal: Now all we need is a coupla patients.
Simon: Corpses, actually.  For this plan to work, River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne: I’m starting to like this plan.

Mal: You know, I hear tell they used to keelhaul traitors back in the day. I don’t have a keel to haul you on, so…
Jayne: What’re you takin’ it so personal for? It ain’t like I ratted you out to the feds!
Mal: Oh, but you did! You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! But since that’s a concept you can’t seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place here. You did it to me, Jayne. And that’s a fact.

Simon: I brought some medicine. Do you remember why we went to hospital?
River: It’s time to go to sleep again.
Simon: No, mei-mei. It’s time to wake up.

War Stories:
Mal and Wash are abducted by their old client and crimelord, Niska. In the course of being tortured, they get to work out some of their issues regarding his and Zoe’s relationship.

Book: [quoting Xiang Yu] He said, “Live with a man forty years. Share his house, his meals… speak on every subject… then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano’s edge. And on that day, you will finally meet the man.”
Simon: What if you don’t live near a volcano?
Book: I expect he was being poetical.
Simon: Sadistic crap legitimized by florid prose. Tell me you’re not a fan.
Book: I’m just wondering if they were. The people who did this to your sister.

Mal: Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots… SHUT UP! …One of you is gonna fall and die, and I’m not cleaning it up!

Kaylee: Zoe, how come you always cut your apples?
Wash: You do?
Kaylee: Her and Cap’n both. Whenever we get fresh fruit, they never just munch on ’em.
Zoe: You know what a griswald is?
Jayne: It’s a grenade.
Zoe: About the size of a battery, responds to pressure. Our platoon was stuck in a trench outside of New Casmir during the winter campaign. More than a week, completely cut off, and the Alliance entrenched not ten yards away. We even got to talkin’ to ’em, yelling across insults and jokes and such, ’cause [there was] no ammo to speak of, no orders, so what’re you gonna do? We mentioned that we were out of rations and ten minutes later, a bunch of apples rained into the trench.
Wash: And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree to a magical land with unicorns and a harp!
Kaylee: Blew off their heads, huh?
Zoe: Cap’n said wait, but they were so hungry…Don’t make much noise, just little pops and there’s three guys that kinda just…end at the rib cage.
Wash: But these apples are healthsome, and good.
Jayne: Yeah, grenades cost extra.

Wash: And then came the lying to me about it, which for me is sort of the highlight of this little adventure.
Zoe: Is there any way I’m gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?
Wash: You’re pretty much down to ritual suicide, lamby-toes.

Zoe: I thought your plan was too risky! I thought.
Wash: Then tell me. I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it. Don’t hide behind Mal ’cause you know he’ll shoot it down for you. Tell me.
Zoe: Right. ‘Cause what this marriage needs is one more shouting match!
Wash: No, what this marriage needs is one less husband.

[Inara’s client, a woman, walks in]
Mal:…Huh.
Book: Oh, my.
Kaylee: Oh, gosh, I-I knew she took female clients, I just, uh- They look so glamorous together.
Jayne:…I’ll be in my bunk.

Wash: Didn’t want you taking off without me. In fact, didn’t want you taking off at all. Thought I might take this run instead. Me and the Captain.
Mal: The Captain who’s standing right here telling you that’s not gonna happen?
Wash: Well, it’s a dangerous mission, sir. I can’t stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure. I just can’t take that right now.
Mal: Okay, um, I’m lost. Uh, I’m angry, and I’m armed, so if you two have something that you need to work out –

Wash: Hey, I’ve been in a firefight before. Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired, from a fry cook opportunity. I can handle myself.

Wash: I don’t want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what’s happening then you tell me. You wouldn’t spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting, and possibly scheming. So, whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. And you know why? Because no matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back. With the stories. So… I’m Zoe. Now… what do I do?
Mal: Probably not talk quite so much.
Wash: Right. Less talking. She’s terse. I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic... If I’m not gonna talk, then you have to!

Zoe: Preacher, don’t the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killin’?
Book: Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.

Zoe: Jayne. This somethin’ the Captain has to do for himself.
Mal: No! No, it’s not!
Zoe: Oh. [shoots the henchman.]

Mal: So— I hear you all took up arms in that little piece of action back there. How you farin’ with that, Doctor?
Simon: I don’t know. I, uh, I never— never shot anyone before.
Book: I was there, son. I’m fair sure you haven’t shot anyone… yet.

Mal: I know it’s a…  difficult mission, but you and I… have to get it on.
Zoe: I understand. We have no choice. [deadpan] Take me, sir. Take me hard.
Jayne: Well, somethin’ about that is just downright unsettlin’.
Wash: We’ll be in our bunk.
Jayne: Oh, hey— [smacks Mal in the chest where he’s injured] free soup!

And I’m still not done! But I already predicted this would take at least three posts. So stay tuned for what is likely to be (presumably) the final installment in the Firefly/Serenity series!

Firefly Best Lines!

Part of what made Fireflythe best show to ever get cancelled by the Faux Network was its many, many awesome lines. Depending on the tone of things, they could cheeky, witty, smart-assed, or just downright hilarious. And after giving the show a review, I thought I might dredge up some of the better ones that I happen to recall (or can find with the help of Wiki!) Enjoy!

Pilot/Serenity:
The introductory episode, where we get to meet the extended crew, learn about their various plights, and set up the rest of the show. Among the more important aspects were the fencing of stolen goods, the introduction of Simon and River, , and the revelation that the Alliance is onto the fact that they have fugitives aboard.

Wash [as Stegosaurus]: Yes… yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it… This Land.
Wash [as Allosaurus]: I think we should call it… your grave!
Wash [as Stegosaurus]: Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
Wash [as Allosaurus]: Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! Now DIE!

Zoe: Sir, we don’t want to deal with Patience again.
Mal: Why not?
Zoe: She shot you.
Mal: Well, yeah, she did a bit.

Mal: You will keep a civil tongue in that mouth or I will sew it shut. Is there an understanding between us?
Jayne: You don’t pay me to talk pretty. Just because Kaylee gets lubed up over some big-city dandy-
Mal: Walk away from this table, right now.
Simon: What do you pay him for?
Mal: What?
Simon: I was curious… what is his job on this ship?
Mal: … Public relations.

Mal: I got to know how close the Alliance is, exactly how much you told them ‘fore Wash scrambled your call. So I’ve given Jayne here the job of finding out.
Jayne: [draws a huge knife] He was non-specific as to how.

Jayne: Testing, testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I’m standing right here.
Jayne: You’re coming through good and loud.
Mal: ‘Cause I’m standing right here.

Mal: But he did try to get you to turn on me?
Jayne: Yeah.
Mal: So, why didn’t you?
Jayne: Money wasn’t good enough.
Mal: What happens when it is?
Jayne: Well, that’ll be an interesting day.

The Train Job:
Mal and the crew agree to take on a heist job in order to turn around their fortunes. However, things get complicated when they realize that the loot is medicine which the locals sorely need.

Lund: You know, your coat is kinda a brownish color…
Mal: It was on sale.
Lund: You didn’t toast. You know, I’m thinkin’ you one of ‘em In’e’pen’ents.
Mal: And I’m thinkin’ you weren’t burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don’t we just ignore each other until we go away?
Lund: The In’e’pen’ents were a bunch of cowardly, inbred piss-pots. Should’ve been killed off of every world spinnin’.
Mal: Say that to my face.
Lund: I said you’re a coward and a piss-pot. Now what are you gonna do about it?
Mal: Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you.

Inara: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?
Mal: That it was manly and impulsive?
Inara: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was, “Don’t.”

Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with ’til you understand who’s in ruttin’ command here! Now we’re finishing this deal, and then maybe, maybe we’ll come back for those morons… got themselves caught… and you can’t change that by getting all… bendy.
Wash: All what?
Jayne: You got the light… from the console to keep you… lifting you up… they shine like… little angels… [falls flat on the floor.]
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.

Sheriff Bourne: You were truthful back in town. These are tough times. A man can get a job, he might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all the details of a situation like ours… well… then he has a choice.
Mal: I don’t believe he does.

Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You give it back to him, tell him the job didn’t work out. We’re not thieves… well, we are thieves, but the point is we’re not taking what’s his. We’ll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You’ll explain that’s best for everyone, okay?
Crow: Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn’t matter where you go, or how far you fly, I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.
Mal: Darn. [kicks Crow into Serenity’s engine intake. Cut to another henchman being placed before Mal]
Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance—
Henchman: Oh, I get it! I’m good. Best thing for everybody. I’m right there with you.

Bushwhacked:
The crew of the Firelfy come upon a derelict ship, which turns out to be carrying a survivor of a Reaver attack. After being pulled aboard by an Alliance cruiser, the passenger escapes from their medbay and begins wreaking havoc.

Zoe: Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something.
Wash: Oh my god. What can it be? We’re all doomed! Who’s flying this thing!? Oh right, that would be me. Back to work.

Simon: Oh yes, he’s a real beast. [looks at Jayne] It’s a wonder you’re still alive.
Jayne: Looked bigger when I couldn’t see him.

Alliance Commander: You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?
Zoe: Fought with a lot of people in the war.
Alliance Commander: And your husband?
Zoe: Fight with him sometimes, too.

Mal: That poor bastard you took off my ship. He looked right into the face of it—was made to stare.
Harken: “It”?
Mal: That darkness. Kind of darkness you can’t even imagine. Blacker than the space it moves through.
Harken: Very poetic.
Mal: They made him watch. He probably tried to turn away, and they wouldn’t let him. You call him a survivor? He’s not. A man comes up against that kind of will, the only way to deal with it, I suspect, is to become it.

Shindig:
A formal ball takes place and Mal, Inara are both in attendance as part of a job. However, Mal bites off more than he can chew when he slugs a patron and is challenged to a sword fight.

(Mal shows Inara the money he stole from the slaver)
Inara: Mal!
Mal: Oh, terrible shame. ‘Course, they won’t discover it till they go order their next round of drinks.
Slaver: Wei.
Mal: Good drinker, that one.

Zoe: Planet’s coming up a mite fast.
Wash: That’s just ’cause— I’m going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.
Mal: Well, that happens, let me know.

Badger: Course you couldn’t buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle. I’ve got my hands on a couple. [Mal and Jayne grin] Of invites!

Atherton: You belong here, Inara, not on that flying piece of go-se. You see that, don’t you?
Inara: Atherton, language.
Atherton: What? “Piece of go-se”? But it is a piece of go-se.
Major Domo: Miss Kaywinnet Lee Frye and escort.
Inara: Kaylee? [Kaylee enters with Mal] Oh, go-se.

[Mal is challenged to a duel]
Mal: Well why wait? Where’s that guard? He collected a whole mess of pistols.
Nobleman: If you require it, any gentleman here can give you use of a sword.
Mal: Use of a s-what?

Mal: Now, you taking on this job – being my second – does this mean we’re in business?
Sir Warwick Harrow: It means you’re in mortal danger. But you mussed up Atherton’s face, and that has endeared you to me somewhat.

Sir Warwick: You have to finish it, lad. [Mal doesn’t move] You have to finish it. For a man to lay beaten, yet breathing? It makes him a coward.
Inara: It’s humiliation.
Mal: It would be humiliating, having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. [lightly stabs Atherton] Guess I’m just a good man. [Stabs again] Well, I’m all right.

Safe:
During a routine cargo haul, Book is wounded in a firefight. Things are further complicated as River and Simon (the ship’s surgeon) are kidnapped by some local villagers.

Mal: So, she’s added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy.
Simon: It’s just a bad day.
Mal: No, a bad day is when someone’s yellin’ spooks the cattle. Understand? You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It’s kind of like a…a meat grinder. And it’ll lose us half the herd.
Simon: She hasn’t gone anywhere near the cattle.
Mal: No, but in case you hadn’t noticed, her voice kinda carries. We’re two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed.” (to River) “Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn’t.
River: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
Mal: See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.

Zoe: You sanguine about the kind of reception we’re apt to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap’n?
Mal: Absolutely. What’s ‘sanguine’ mean?
Zoe:  ‘Sanguine’. Hopeful. Plus — point of interest — it also means ‘bloody’.
Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don’t it?

Jayne: [mock reading Simon’s journal] “Dear Diary…today I was pompous and my sister was crazy.” [flips page] “Today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.”

Mal: Y’all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? Now I’m not saying you weren’t easy to find but it was kinda out of our way, and he didn’t want to come in the first place. Man’s lookin’ to kill some folk. So really, it’s his will y’all should worry about thwarting.

Simon: So, finally a decent wound on this ship, and I miss out. I’m sorry.
Mal: Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.

Our Mrs. Reynolds:
After foiling some bandits on a remote colony, Mal is compensated with a rare gift… a new wife! However, she proves to be more than what she appears to be and betrays him and the crew to some salvagers, leaving Mal and the crew scurrying to save the ship.

Bandit: You gonna give us what’s due us. And every damn thing else on that boat. And I think maybe you gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus.
Jayne: Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.
Mal: How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you prettier I would!
Mal: You are not the man I met a year ago!

Inara: So… explain to me again why Zoe wasn’t in the dress?
Mal: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. Besides, them soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. There’s a whole… airflow.
Inara: And you’d know that because…?
Mal: You can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I am a mystery.

Wash: Is there any more where that came from?
Saffron: I didn’t think to make enough for your friends… But everything’s laid out if you’d like to cook for your husband.
Wash: Z— heh-heh… Isn’t she quaint? I’m just not hungry.

Book: If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Mal: Are you offering me a trade?
Jayne: A trade!? Hell, it’s theft! This is the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value. It’s miles more worthy than what you got.
Mal: What I got? She has a name.
Jayne: So does this! I call it Vera.
Mal: Well, my days of taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.

Saffron: But we’ve been wed. Aren’t… we to become one flesh?
Mal: Well, no, uh… we’re still two fleshes here, and… I think… that your flesh oughta… sleep somewhere else.
Saffron: I’m sorry. When we talked, I’d hoped, but I—
Mal: Whoa, hey! Flesh. Um… Saffron… i-it… it ain’t a question of pleasing me. It’s more a question of what’s…um… of what’s morally right.
Saffron: I do know my Bible, sir. [Recites a fictional bible verse] “On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow, and he shall work in her, in and again, till she bring him to his fall, and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast.”
Mal: Whoa. Good Bible.

Saffron: Do you know the myth of Earth-That-Was?
Wash: Not so much.
Saffron: That when she was born, she had no sky, and was open, inviting. And the stars would rush into her, through the skin of her…
Wash: Huh.
Saffron: …making the oceans boil with sensation. And when she could endure no more ecstasy, she puffed up her cheeks and blew out the sky.
Wash: Whoa. Good myth.

Saffron: Everybody plays each other. That’s all anybody ever does. We play parts.
Mal: You’ve got all kinds o’ learnin’ and you made me look the fool without even trying, yet here I am, with a gun to your head. That’s ’cause I got people with me. People who trust each other, who do for each other, and ain’t always lookin’ for the advantage.
Saffron: Promise me you’re gonna kill me soon.

Mal: So here’s where I’m fuzzy. You got by that girl, came and found me, and somehow you happen to just trip and fall.
Inara: What do you mean?
Mal: Come on, Inara. How’s about we don’t play. You didn’t just trip, did you?
Inara: No.
Mal: Well, isn’t that something… I knew you let her kiss you.

As this is going long, I shall be breaking it down into another two posts. That ought to be enough to cover the remaining episodes and the movie… maybe. No promises though, lot of good lines in this show ;)

Universe Today

Hey all. Just wanted to take a minute to publicize a very cool website that deals in all things science, especially astronomy, physics, and the planets. Not only is it a very cool place to pick up some additional knowledge, its also my part-time employer. If you’ve any interest in reading a brief but educational article on a wide range of subjects, just enter my name “Matt Williams” or click around. You’re sure to find something that tickles your fancy!

Universe Today