Firefly, Best Lines (part III)

Hello! Welcome to the third and final installment in the “Best Lines” series dedicated to the awesome show Firefly. It seems fitting that I put up the final installment in the show seeing as how my wife and I just finished (re)watching the entire series on Netflix last night. It’s times like this that make me sad that there isn’t a second, third, fourth season to pick up where it all left off. Sad and very, VERY angry! DAMN YOU FOX! Anyhoo, enjoy the list and stay tuned for a follow-up with the best lines from Serenity. Just need to (re)watch it too (man, Netflix is good to me!).

Trash:
Mal and crew are reunited with an old acquaintance – Saffron, or as she’s known now, Bridgitte – who gives them an offer they can’t refuse. Seems the first laser ever made is ripe for the picking, and the owner just happens to be her ex-husband (her first ex-husband!)

Monty: Damn you, Bridgitte! Damn you to Hades! You broke my heart in a million pieces! You made me love you, and then you… I shaved off my beard for you, devil woman!

Mal: This is my scrap of nowhere. You go on, find your own.
Saffron
: You can’t just leave me here on this lifeless piece-of-crap moon.
Mal
: I can.
Saffron
: I’ll die.
Mal
: Well, as a courtesy, you might start getting busy on that, ’cause all this chatter ain’t doin’ me any kindness.

Inara: Right, you’re a criminal mastermind! What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
Mal
: That was a little dif—
Inara
: What was the cargo?
Mal
: They were dolls.
Inara
: They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!
Mal
: Hey! People love those!

Inara: Well, since I can’t seem to find work as Companion, I might as well become a petty thief like you!
Mal
: Petty?
nara
: I didn’t mean petty.
Mal
: What did you mean?
Inara
: Suo-SHEE?
Mal
:
…That’s Chinese for “petty”.

Mal: Saffron has a notion we can walk right in there, take the Lassiter right off his shelf.
Wash
: I’m confused.
Saffron
: You’re asking yourself if I’ve got the security codes, why don’t I go in, grab it for myself?
Wash
: No. Actually, I was wondering… WHAT’S SHE DOING ON THIS SHIP?

Zoe: But Inara ain’t wrong. She can’t be trusted.
Mal
: I ain’t asking you to trust her. I’ll be with her on the inside the whole time.
Saffron
: See there? All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is… get over it.
Zoe
: Hmm. Okay. [punches Saffron] I’m in.

River: She’s a liar.
Jayne
: That don’t exactly set her apart from the rest of us. The plunder sounds fun enough.
River
: She’s a liar, and no good will come of her.
Jayne
: Well, as a rule, I say, girlfolk ain’t to be trusted.
River
: “Jayne” is a girl’s name.
Jayne
: Well, Jayne ain’t a girl! She starts in on that girl’s-name thing, I’ll show her good ‘n’ all, I got man parts!
Simon
: I’m… trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just… it’s not coming.

Saffron: Durran, this isn’t what it looks like.
Mal
: Unless… it looks like… we’re stealing your priceless Lassiter, ’cause… that’s what we’re doing. Don’t ask me about the gun, though, ’cause that’s new.
Durran
: Well, I appreciate your honesty. Not, you know, a lot, but..

Durran: How long have you been with him?
Mal
: Oh— pfft! We are not together.
Saffron
: He’s my husband.
Mal
: Well, who in the damn galaxy ain’t?!

Jayne: Is spine okay?
Simon
: How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?
Jayne
: Das crazy talk.
Simon
: Then let’s talk crazy. How much?
Jayne
: [looks to the door] Anybody there? [River pokes her head in] Anybody else?

Simon: No matter what you do, or say or plot, no matter how you come down on us… I will never, ever harm you. You’re on this table, you’re safe. ‘Cause I’m your medic, and however little we may like or trust each other, we’re on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don’t care what you’ve done, I don’t know what you’re planning on doing, but I’m trusting you. I think you should do the same. ‘Cause I don’t see this working any other way.
River
: Also… I can kill you with my brain.

Mal: Yeah. That went well.
Inara
: You call this going well?
Mal
: We got the loot, didn’t we?
Inara
: Yes, but—
Mal
: Then I call this a win. What’s the problem?
Inara
: Shall I start with the part where you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere, or the part where you have no clothes?

The Message:
The crew of the Serenity get a strange and unexpected package from an old friend: his body! Initially, it seems he’s dead, but in time they realize he’s alive and smuggling cloned organs to a buyer. Unfortunately, the organs are worth something to some other people, crooked Alliance personnel who’ll stop at nothing to find him.

Simon: Yep—it’s a cow fetus.
Kaylee
: Guess so. It does seem to have an awful lot of limbs.
Simon
: It’s mutated.
Kaylee
: But cow? How do you figure?
Simon
: It’s upside down.
Kaylee
: [looks sideways at it] Oh yeah. Cow.
Simon
: And I’m out twelve bits! I really know how to show a girl a… disgusting time.

Wash: Oh my god, it’s grotesque! Oh, and there’s something in a jar.
Zoe
: Scared her away again, did you?
Simon
: D— This may come as a shock, but I’m actually… not very good at talking to girls.
Zoe
: Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?
Wash
: [looking at the “alien”] Do not fear me! Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony.

Jayne: I got post?
Book
: Might we all want to step a few paces back before he opens that?
Jayne
: Ha ha! It’s from my mother.
Inara
: So, do aliens live among us?
Kaylee
: Yeah. One of them’s a doctor.

Jayne: [tries on the hat his mother made him] How’s it sit? Pretty cunning, don’t you think?
Kaylee
: I think it’s the sweetest hat ever.
Wash
: A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he’s not afraid of anything.
Jayne
: Damn straight!

[Zoe and Mal open a coffin-sized box to find a body.]
Jayne
: What’d y’all order a dead guy for?

Zoe: First rule of battle, little one… don’t ever let them know where you are.
Mal
: WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo!
Zoe
: ‘Course, there’re other schools of thought.

Mal: Everybody dies, Tracey. Someone’s carryin’ a bullet for you right now, doesn’t even know it. The trick is, die of old age before it finds you.

Tracey: [recording] You know, it’s funny. We went to the war never lookin’ to come back, but it’s… it’s the real world I couldn’t survive. You two carried me through that war. Now I need you to carry me just a little bit further… if you can. Tell my folks I wanted to do right by them, and that I’m at peace, and all. Uh… When you can’t run anymore, you crawl, and when you can’t do that, well… Yeah, you know the rest. Thanks, b-both of you. Oh, yeah, and, uh… make sure my eyes is closed, will ya?

Mal: Oh, the colonel was dead drunk. Three hours pissin’ on about the enlisted men. Uh, “they’re scum”, uh, “they’re not fighters”, and, uh… and then he passed right out—boom.
Zoe
: We couldn’t even move him. So, uh, Tracey just… snipped it right off his face.
Mal
: And you never seen a man more proud of his moustache than Colonel Obrin. I mean, in all my life, I will never love a woman the way this officer loved that lip ferret.
Zoe
: Big, walrus-y thing—all waxed up!
Inara
: Did he find out?
Mal
: Oh! Next mornin’, he wakes up, it’s gone, and he is furious! But he can’t just say, you know, “Someone stole my moustache!” So he, uh, calls together all the platoons…
Zoe
: We thought he was gonna shoot us!
Mal
: …and, uh… Oh, he’s eye-ballin’ all the men somethin’ fierce. Not a word. And he comes up to Tracey, and Tracey’s wearing the gorram thing on his face!
Zoe
: He’d glued it on!
Mal
: He’s starin’ the old man down wearing his own damn moustache!

[Tracey wakes up during his autopsy]
Jayne
: Spry for a dead fella!
Tracey
: Sarge?
Mal
: Yeah?
Tracey
: I think I’m naked.
Mal: You wanna explain to me exactly why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?

Wash: I think they’re about done being stalled to— ahhhh… AHHHHHHH! Mal, your dead army buddy’s on the bridge.
Zoe
: He ain’t dead.
Wash
: …Oh…

Mal: Hear that quiet? Means the call’s already been made.
Tracey
: Well, that call… that call means you just murdered me.
Mal: No, son. You murdered yourself. I just carried the bullet a while.

Tracey: When you can’t run, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl, when you can’t do that…
Zoe
: …you find someone to carry you.

Heart of Gold:
An old friend of Inara’s, a madame who runs a brothel, kindly asks the crew of the Serenity for help. On a distant moon, the local Sheriff, a power-hungry and corrupt man, is hellbent on stealing his son from one of the local girls.

Inara: Hi.
Mal
: BWAH!
Inara
: Sorry! Didn’t mean to startle.
Mal
: You didn’t! I was just, uh… “BWAH!” That’s more like a… It’s a warrior like… Strikes fear into the… hearts of… You know, not altogether wise, sneaking up on a fellow when he’s handling his weapon.
Inara
: I’m sure I’ve heard that said. But… perhaps the dining area isn’t the place for this sort of thing.
Mal
: What do ya mean? It’s the only place with a table big enough.
Inara
: Of course. In that case, every well-bred petty crook knows that the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting.

Inara: It sounds like something this crew can handle. I can’t guarantee they’ll handle it particularly well, but…
Nandi
: If they got guns and brains at all.
Inara
: They’ve got guns

Jayne: Don’t much see the benefit in getting involved in strangers’ troubles without a up-front price negotiated.
Book
: These people need assistance. The benefit wouldn’t necessarily be for you.
Jayne
: That’s what I’m sayin’.
Zoe
: No one’s gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated, this job is strictly speculative.
Jayne
: Good! Don’t know these folks, don’t much care to.
Mal
: They’re whores.
Jayne
: I’m in.

Inara: Nandi, this is Malcolm Reynolds.
Nandi
: I appreciate your coming.
Mal
: Well, any friend of Inara’s is a strictly businesslike relationship of mine.

Mal: I’ll introduce you to the rest later. They’re good folk.
Jayne
: Can I start getting sexed already?
Mal
: Well, that one’s kinda horrific.

Simon: Isn’t there a pregnant woman I’m to examine?
Wash
: You’d really lie with someone being paid for it?
Kaylee
: Well, it’s not like anyone else is lining up to, you know, examine me.
Jayne
: Whoop! My John Thomas is about to pop off and fly around the room, there’s so much tasty here. Ooh!
Wash
: Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.

Kaylee: Everyone’s got somebody. Wash, tell me I’m pretty.
Wash
: Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.
Kaylee
: ‘Cause I’m pretty?
Wash
: ‘Cause you’re pretty.

Mal: Nothing worse than a monster who thinks he’s right with God.
Nandi: Captain Reynolds, it took me years to cut this piece of territory out of other men’s hands, to build this business up from nothing.
Mal
: Nandi…
Nandi
: It’s who I am, and it’s my home. I’m not going anywhere.
Mal
: Well, lady, I must say—you’re my kinda stupid.

Wash: Well, I’m not sure now is the best time to bring a tiny little helpless person into our lives.
Zoe
: That excuse is gettin’ a little worn, honey.
Wash
: It’s not an excuse, dear! It’s objective assessment. I can’t help that it stays relevant.
Zoe
: I don’t give a good gorram about relevant, Wash, or objective. And I ain’t so afraid of losing something that I ain’t gonna try to have it. You and I would make one beautiful baby. And I want to meet that child one day. Period.

Nandi: Truth is, I expected a whole lot more of you to be takin’ payment in our trade.
Mal
: Well, we’re an odd conglomeration. Got a preacher, a married fellah, and the doctor… well, he’d have to… relax for thirty seconds to get his play. That’d be more or less a miracle.

Mal: Miss Nandi, I have a confession to make.
Nandi
: Maybe I should get the Shepherd.
Mal
: Well, I ain’t sinned yet. And I’d feel a little more’n awkward if he were here when I did.

Nandi: Malcolm, I been waiting for you to kiss me since I showed you my guns.
Nandi
: You okay with this?
Mal
: I’m just waiting to see if I pass out. Long story.

Inara: So you took to bed with Nandi. I’m glad.
Mal
: Glad?
Inara
: Yes! She’s a dear friend, and probably in need of some comfort about now.
Mal
: So, you’re okay. Well, yeah. Why… why wouldn’t you be?
Inara
: I wouldn’t say I’m entirely okay. I’m a little appalled at her taste.

Jayne: [over radio] Whoa, now, girl, that is just plain dirty.
Mal
: Jayne, you aware your radio’s transmittin’? Cause I ain’t feelin’ particular girlish or dirty at the moment.

Petaline: Rance, this is Jonah. Jonah… say “hi” to your daddy. [Shoots Rance.] Say “goodbye” to your daddy, Jonah.

Objects in Space:
A bounty hunter boards the Serenity and takes the crew hostage. His arrival coincided with the crew’s realization that River might be a “reader” (i.e. a psychic) and her decision to leave the ship.

Kaylee: You couldn’t possibly!
Simon
: No, I wish I was lying, I just…You know, we’d all just made surgeon. That was it, we were the elite. The world was ours, you know?
Kaylee
: So you had to be naked?
Simon
: Naked. Yes. And, uh, on top of the statue of Hippocrates. Can’t you just picture me?
Kaylee
: What, naked? Oh, well, hmm, mmm…Let’s see, I’mma have to conjure up a…yeah, that’s, that’s gonna be difficult... So did the feds come?
Simon
: There were no feds. Until I started singing.
Kaylee
: Oh, no!
Simon
: This is not–
Kaylee
: What did you sing?
Simon
: This is not funny. This, this is a morality tale about the evils of sake.
Simon:
[in River’s head] I would be there right now.

Jayne: Not ever ever?
Book
: Some orders allow shepherds to marry, but I follow a narrower path.
Jayne
: But you still got the urge? They don’t…cut it off or nothin’?
Book
: No, I’m more or less intact. I just…direct my energy elsewhere.
Jayne
: You mean like masturbatin’?
Book
: I hope you’re not thinking of taking orders yourself?
Jayne
: Heheh, yeah, that’s be the day.
Jayne
: [in River’s head] I got stupid, the money was too good.
Book
: [in River’s head]I don’t give half a hump if you’re innocent or not. So where does that put you?

Mal: If I want a lot of medical jargon, I’ll talk to a doctor.
Simon
: You are talking to a doctor.

Wash: Little River gets more colorful by the moment. What’ll she do next?
Zoe
: Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It’s a toss-up.
Wash
: I hope she does the soup thing, it’s always a hoot and we don’t all die from it.

Zoë: Where’s River at now?
Mal
: In her room, which I’m thinking we bolt from the outside from now on.
Wash
: That a little extreme, isn’t it?
Jayne
: Anyone remember her comin’ at me with a butcher’s knife?
Wash
: Wacky fun…
Jayne
: You wanna go, little man?
Wash
: Only if it’s someplace with candlelight.
Zoe
: Sir, I know she’s unpredictable. But I don’t think she’d harm anyone.
Jayne
: Butcher’s knife?!
Zoe
: Anyone we can’t spare.

Mal: Girl knows things. Things she shouldn’t. Things she couldn’t.
Jayne
: What, are you— are you sayin’ she’s a witch?
Wash
: Yes, Jayne. She’s a witch. She has had congress with the beast.
Jayne
: She’s in Congress?
Wash
: How did your brain even learn human speech? I’m just so curious.

Wash: Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.
Zoe
: We live in a spaceship, dear.
Wash
: So?

Jayne: Well, I don’t like the idea of someone hearin’ what I’m thinkin’.
Inara: No one likes the idea of hearing what you’re thinking.

Simon: Are you Alliance?
Early
: Am I a lion?
Simon
: What?
Early
: I don’t think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though: I have a mighty roar.
Simon
: I said “Alliance”.
Early
: Oh, I thought—
Simon
: No, I was—
Early
: That’s weird.

Simon: I don’t think my last act in this verse is gonna be betraying my sister.
Early: You’re gonna help me. ‘Cause every second you’re with me is a chance to turn the tables, get the better of me. Maybe you’ll find your moment. Maybe I’ll slip. Or, you refuse to help me, I shoot your brain out, and I go upstairs and spend some time violating the little mechanic I got trussed up in the engine room. I take no pleasure in the thought, but she will die, weeping, if you cross me.
Simon: You’re out of your mind.
Early: That’s between me and my mind. Let’s start with these rooms.

Early: You ever been shot?
Simon: No.
Early: You oughta be shot. Or stabbed, lose a leg. To be a surgeon, you know? Know what kind of pain you’re dealing with. They make psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get certified, but they don’t make a surgeon get cut on. That seem right to you?

Early: Alright, that’s all the hide-and-seek I got time for. [shouting] I know you’re on this ship, little girl! Here’s how this goes: show yourself and finish this exchange, or your brother’s brains’ll be flyin’ every whichaway! [normal tone] You understand, I’m sort of on the clock here, it’s frustrating.
River
: [over Serenity’s intercom] You’re wrong, Early.
Early
: I’m not wrong, dumpling, I will shoot your brother dead if you don’t—
River
: Wrong about River. River’s not on the ship. They didn’t want her here. But she couldn’t make herself leave. So she melted. Melted away. They didn’t know she could do that. But she did.
Early
: Not sure I take your meaning there.
River
: I’m not on the ship. I’m in the ship. I am the ship.
Simon
: River—
River
: River’s gone.
Early
: Then who exactly are we talking to?
River
: Talking to Serenity. And Early? Serenity is very unhappy.

Early: Where’d she go?
Simon
: I can’t keep track of her when she’s not incorporeally possessing a spaceship; don’t look at me.

Early: I only hurt people ’cause they keep gettin’ in the way of me finding you. Tell her.
Simon
: What am I, your advocate?
Early
: You are, starting now.
Simon
: He’s really very… gentle, and fuzzy. We’re becoming fast friends.
Early
: You folks are all insane.
Simon: Well, my sister’s a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

Mal: There was a guy. He was very blurry. You gotta be careful. Ugh. How come there’s a guy on board and how come you’re all of a sudden the ship?
River/Serenity
: I know you have questions.
Mal
: That would be why I just asked them.
River/Serenity
: But there isn’t a lot of time, captain. I need you to trust me.
Mal
: Am I dreamin’?
River/Serenity
: We all are [Mal rolls his eyes] Don’t make faces!

Early: You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I’ve ever had to transport, yet by far the most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?
Simon
: What’d he do?
Early
: Who?
Simon
: The midget.
Early
: Arson. The little man loved fire.

Early: Well I’ll be a son of a whore. You’re not in my gorram mind. You’re on my gorram ship!

Inara: Any chance that shiong-mung duh kwong-run might survive?
Mal
: Air he had left, I’d say his chance’d be about one in… a very large number.

Early:[floating in space]Well, here I am.

And that’s our show! As I was beginning to expect, I’ll need a fourth post if I’m going to cover the gorram movie. Gorram, good word! Stay tuned for the final installment! It’ll be shiny! Fei-oo! Go-se! Ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng!

Firefly Best Lines (cont’d)

Last time, I dedicated an entire post to the best lines out of the Firefly series, and only got halfway through its first and only season! I can’t imagine how many posts I’ve going to have to divide this into to make them all fit and not be totally overwhelming to read! Best estimates put it at three…

Jaynestown:
The crew pull a job on a backwater planet where apparently, Jayne is worshiped as a popular hero. When the local people realize he’s returned, things get real interesting real fast!

Simon: I swear… when it’s appropriate.
Kaylee
: Simon, the whole point of swearing is that it ain’t appropriate.

Simon: What… happened in here?
Jayne
: Needed to find some tape.
Simon
: So you had to tear my infirmary apart?
Jayne
: Apparently.
Simon
: My God. You’re like a trained ape… without the training!

Mal: You wanna tell me how come there’s a statue of you here, looking at me like I owe him something?
Jayne:
Wishin’ I could, Captain.
Mal:
No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me–?
Jayne:
Look, Mal, I got no ruttin’ idea. I was here a few years back, like I said. Pulled a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from the magistrate up on the hill. But things went way south. I had to hightail it. They don’t…put you on a pedestal in town square for that.
Mal:
Yeah, but I’m looking at some fair compelling evidence says they do.
Simon:
[staring at the statue] This must be what going mad feels like.

Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?
River:
Fixing your Bible.
Book: I, um…what?
River: Bible’s broken. Contradictions, false logistics – doesn’t make sense.
Book: It’s not about… making sense. It’s about believing in something. And letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It’s about faith. You don’t fix faith, River. It fixes you.

River: They say the snow on the roof is too heavy. They say the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger.
Book
: River? Please, why don’t you come on out?
River
: No! Can’t. Too much hair.
Book
: Is— is that it?
Zoe
: Hell, yes, preacher. If I didn’t have stuff to get done, I’d be in there with her.

Mal: So, that’s where the little ‘Jayne Day Celebration’ we got planned comes in. Should give us enough time to get the goods back onto Serenity.
Jayne:
I don’t know. You think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?
Mal:
You better laugh when you say that.
Jayne:
  No really, Mal, I mean, maybe there’s something to this. The Mudders? I think I really made a difference in their lives. You know — me, Jayne Cobb.
Mal:
I know your name, jackass.

Simon: I mean, my way of being… polite, or however it’s… Well, it’s the only way I have of… showing you… that I like you… of showing respect.
Kaylee: So, when… we made love last night—
Simon: When we what?!
Kaylee: You really are such an easy mark.

Jayne: Hell, there weren’t a-one of them understood what happened out there; they’re… probably stickin’ that statue right back up.
Mal: Most like.
Jayne: I don’t know why that eats at me so.
Mal: It’s my estimation that… every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sumbitch or another. Ain’t about you, Jayne. It’s about what they need.

Out of Gas:
A malfunction in the engine forces the crew of the Serenity to abandon ship. Mal stays behind, but is wounded when the crew of another ship try to take him for all he has!

Zoe: You paid money for this, sir? On purpose?
Mal: What? Come on, seriously, Zoe. Whaddya think?
Zoe: Honestly, sir? I think you got robbed.
Mal: Robbed? What? No. What do you mean?
Zoe: It’s a piece of fei-oo.
Mal: Fei-oo? Okay, she won’t be winning any beauty contests anytime soon. But she’s solid. Ship like this, be with ya ’til the day you die.
Zoe:Cause it’s a deathtrap.

Mal: Try to see past what she is, and on to what she can be.
Zoe
: What’s that, sir?
Mal
: Freedom, is what.
Zoe
: [pointing] I meant, what’s that?
Mal
: Oh. Yeah, just step around that. I think somethin’ must’ve been livin’ in here.

Mal: Which one do you figured tracked us?
Zoe: The ugly one, sir.
Mal: Could you be more specific?

al: Looks can be deceiving.
Jayne: Not as deceiving as a lowdown, dirty… deceiver.

Wash: What do you expect me to do, Mal?
Mal
: Whatever you have to! And if you can’t do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat—
Wash
: And what?! Wave my arms around?
Mal
: Wave your arms around, jump up and down, divert the navsats to the transmitter – whatever.
Wash
: Divert the— Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when you’re about to die!
Mal
: Give the beacon a boost, wouldn’t it?
Wash
: Yes, Mal! It would boost the signal. But even if some passerby did happen to receive, all it would do is muck up their navigation!
Mal
: Could be that’s true.
Wash
: Damn right, it’s true! They’d be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go anyplace.
Wash
: Well, maybe I should do that then!
Mal
: Maybe you should!
Wash
: Ok!
Mal
: Good!
Wash
: Fine!

Kaylee: You offerin’ me a job?
Bester: W-w-w—what?
Mal: Believe I just did.
Kaylee: I just gotta ask my folks. Don’t leave without me!
Bester: Mal! What do you need two mechanics for?
Mal: I really don’t.

Ariel:
The crew agrees to pull a job for Simon on the core planet of Ariel. In exchange for getting him and his sister into a hospital, so he can examine her and determine what Alliance scientists did to her, they will get to a chance to steal some lucrative medical supplies.

[Jayne spits on his sharpening stone and sharpens his big knife]
Simon
: Could you not do that while we’re… ever?
Wash
: So, two days in a hospital? That’s awful! Don’t you just hate doctors?
Simon
: Hey!
Wash
: I mean, present company excluded.
Jayne
: Let’s not be excludin’ people. That’d be rude.

[River slashes Jayne’s chest.]
River
: He looks better in red.

[Practicing their cover story]
Mal:
Patients were cynical and not responding and we couldn’t bring ’em back-
Simon:
They were cyanotic and not responsive.

Simon: What about cortical electrodes?
Jayne
: Oh! …We forget ’em.
Simon
: Let’s try that again.

Mal: Pupils were fixed and dilapitated—
Simon
: Dilated.
Mal
: Dilated. Dilated! Ching-wah TSAO duh liou mahng! Shiny.

[At the hospital]
Emergency Nurse
: What do you got?
Mal
: Got a couple DOAs. By the time we got there—
Emergency Nurse
: Take them down to the morgue.
Jayne
: We applied the cortical electrodes, but we were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient!

Mal: Now all we need is a coupla patients.
Simon:
Corpses, actually.  For this plan to work, River and I will have to be dead.
Jayne:
I’m starting to like this plan.

Mal: You know, I hear tell they used to keelhaul traitors back in the day. I don’t have a keel to haul you on, so…
Jayne: What’re you takin’ it so personal for? It ain’t like I ratted you out to the feds!
Mal: Oh, but you did! You turn on any of my crew, you turn on me! But since that’s a concept you can’t seem to wrap your head around, then you got no place here. You did it to me, Jayne. And that’s a fact.

Simon: I brought some medicine. Do you remember why we went to hospital?
River: It’s time to go to sleep again.
Simon: No, mei-mei. It’s time to wake up.

War Stories:
Mal and Wash are abducted by their old client and crimelord, Niska. In the course of being tortured, they get to work out some of their issues regarding his and Zoe’s relationship.

Book: [quoting Xiang Yu] He said, “Live with a man forty years. Share his house, his meals… speak on every subject… then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano’s edge. And on that day, you will finally meet the man.”
Simon: What if you don’t live near a volcano?
Book: I expect he was being poetical.
Simon: Sadistic crap legitimized by florid prose. Tell me you’re not a fan.
Book: I’m just wondering if they were. The people who did this to your sister.

Mal: Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots… SHUT UP! …One of you is gonna fall and die, and I’m not cleaning it up!

Kaylee: Zoe, how come you always cut your apples?
Wash
: You do?
Kaylee
: Her and Cap’n both. Whenever we get fresh fruit, they never just munch on ’em.
Zoe
: You know what a griswald is?
Jayne
: It’s a grenade.
Zoe
: About the size of a battery, responds to pressure. Our platoon was stuck in a trench outside of New Casmir during the winter campaign. More than a week, completely cut off, and the Alliance entrenched not ten yards away. We even got to talkin’ to ’em, yelling across insults and jokes and such, ’cause [there was] no ammo to speak of, no orders, so what’re you gonna do? We mentioned that we were out of rations and ten minutes later, a bunch of apples rained into the trench.
Wash
: And they grew into a big tree, and they all climbed up the tree to a magical land with unicorns and a harp!
Kaylee
: Blew off their heads, huh?
Zoe
: Cap’n said wait, but they were so hungry…Don’t make much noise, just little pops and there’s three guys that kinda just…end at the rib cage.
Wash
: But these apples are healthsome, and good.
Jayne
: Yeah, grenades cost extra.

Wash: And then came the lying to me about it, which for me is sort of the highlight of this little adventure.
Zoe
: Is there any way I’m gonna get out of this with honor and dignity?
Wash
: You’re pretty much down to ritual suicide, lamby-toes.

Zoe: I thought your plan was too risky! I thought.
Wash
: Then tell me. I am a large, semi-muscular man. I can take it. Don’t hide behind Mal ’cause you know he’ll shoot it down for you. Tell me.
Zoe
: Right. ‘Cause what this marriage needs is one more shouting match!
Wash
: No, what this marriage needs is one less husband.

[Inara’s client, a woman, walks in]
Mal:…Huh.
Book: Oh, my.
Kaylee: Oh, gosh, I-I knew she took female clients, I just, uh- They look so glamorous together.
Jayne:…I’ll be in my bunk.

Wash: Didn’t want you taking off without me. In fact, didn’t want you taking off at all. Thought I might take this run instead. Me and the Captain.
Mal: The Captain who’s standing right here telling you that’s not gonna happen?
Wash: Well, it’s a dangerous mission, sir. I can’t stand the thought of something happening that might cause you two to come back with another thrilling tale of bonding and adventure. I just can’t take that right now.
Mal: Okay, um, I’m lost. Uh, I’m angry, and I’m armed, so if you two have something that you need to work out –

Wash: Hey, I’ve been in a firefight before. Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired, from a fry cook opportunity. I can handle myself.

Wash: I don’t want you to spare me, Mal. If you think you know what’s happening then you tell me. You wouldn’t spare Zoe if she were in this situation with you, would you? You would be planning, and plotting, and possibly scheming. So, whatever Zoe would do in this instance is what I wanna do. And you know why? Because no matter how ugly it gets, you two always come back. With the stories. So… I’m Zoe. Now… what do I do?
Mal
: Probably not talk quite so much.
Wash
: Right. Less talking. She’s terse. I can be terse. Once in flight school, I was laconic... If I’m not gonna talk, then you have to!

Zoe: Preacher, don’t the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killin’?
Book
: Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps.

Zoe: Jayne. This somethin’ the Captain has to do for himself.
Mal
: No! No, it’s not!
Zoe
: Oh. [shoots the henchman.]

Mal: So— I hear you all took up arms in that little piece of action back there. How you farin’ with that, Doctor?
Simon
: I don’t know. I, uh, I never— never shot anyone before.
Book
: I was there, son. I’m fair sure you haven’t shot anyone… yet.

Mal: I know it’s a…  difficult mission, but you and I… have to get it on.
Zoe
: I understand. We have no choice. [deadpan] Take me, sir. Take me hard.
Jayne
: Well, somethin’ about that is just downright unsettlin’.
Wash
: We’ll be in our bunk.
Jayne
: Oh, hey— [smacks Mal in the chest where he’s injured] free soup!

And I’m still not done! But I already predicted this would take at least three posts. So stay tuned for what is likely to be (presumably) the final installment in the Firefly/Serenity series!

Firefly Best Lines!

Part of what made Fireflythe best show to ever get cancelled by the Faux Network was its many, many awesome lines. Depending on the tone of things, they could cheeky, witty, smart-assed, or just downright hilarious. And after giving the show a review, I thought I might dredge up some of the better ones that I happen to recall (or can find with the help of Wiki!) Enjoy!

Pilot/Serenity:
The introductory episode, where we get to meet the extended crew, learn about their various plights, and set up the rest of the show. Among the more important aspects were the fencing of stolen goods, the introduction of Simon and River, , and the revelation that the Alliance is onto the fact that they have fugitives aboard.

Wash [as Stegosaurus]: Yes… yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it… This Land.
Wash
[as Allosaurus]: I think we should call it… your grave!
Wash
[as Stegosaurus]: Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
Wash
[as Allosaurus]: Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! Now DIE!

Zoe: Sir, we don’t want to deal with Patience again.
Mal
: Why not?
Zoe
: She shot you.
Mal
: Well, yeah, she did a bit.

Mal: You will keep a civil tongue in that mouth or I will sew it shut. Is there an understanding between us?
Jayne: You don’t pay me to talk pretty. Just because Kaylee gets lubed up over some big-city dandy-
Mal: Walk away from this table, right now.
Simon
: What do you pay him for?
Mal: What?
Simon: I was curious… what is his job on this ship?
Mal: … Public relations.

Mal: I got to know how close the Alliance is, exactly how much you told them ‘fore Wash scrambled your call. So I’ve given Jayne here the job of finding out.
Jayne
: [draws a huge knife] He was non-specific as to how.

Jayne: Testing, testing. Captain, can you hear me?
Mal: I’m standing right here.
Jayne: You’re coming through good and loud.
Mal: ‘Cause I’m standing right here.

Mal: But he did try to get you to turn on me?
Jayne
: Yeah.
Mal
: So, why didn’t you?
Jayne
: Money wasn’t good enough.
Mal
: What happens when it is?
Jayne
: Well, that’ll be an interesting day.

The Train Job:
Mal and the crew agree to take on a heist job in order to turn around their fortunes. However, things get complicated when they realize that the loot is medicine which the locals sorely need.

Lund: You know, your coat is kinda a brownish color…
Mal
: It was on sale.
Lund
: You didn’t toast. You know, I’m thinkin’ you one of ‘em In’e’pen’ents.
Mal
: And I’m thinkin’ you weren’t burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don’t we just ignore each other until we go away?
Lund
: The In’e’pen’ents were a bunch of cowardly, inbred piss-pots. Should’ve been killed off of every world spinnin’.
Mal
: Say that to my face.
Lund
: I said you’re a coward and a piss-pot. Now what are you gonna do about it?
Mal
: Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you.

Inara: What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle?
Mal
: That it was manly and impulsive?
Inara
: Yes, precisely. Only the exact phrase I used was, “Don’t.”

Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with ’til you understand who’s in ruttin’ command here! Now we’re finishing this deal, and then maybe, maybe we’ll come back for those morons… got themselves caught… and you can’t change that by getting all… bendy.
Wash
: All what?
Jayne
: You got the light… from the console to keep you… lifting you up… they shine like… little angels [falls flat on the floor.]
Wash
: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon
: I told him to sit down.

Sheriff Bourne: You were truthful back in town. These are tough times. A man can get a job, he might not look too close at what that job is. But a man learns all the details of a situation like ours… well… then he has a choice.
Mal
: I don’t believe he does.

Mal: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You give it back to him, tell him the job didn’t work out. We’re not thieves… well, we are thieves, but the point is we’re not taking what’s his. We’ll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You’ll explain that’s best for everyone, okay?
Crow
: Keep the money. Use it to buy a funeral. It doesn’t matter where you go, or how far you fly, I will hunt you down, and the last thing you see will be my blade.
Mal
: Darn. [kicks Crow into Serenity’s engine intake. Cut to another henchman being placed before Mal]
Mal
: Now this is all the money Niska gave us in advance—
Henchman
: Oh, I get it! I’m good. Best thing for everybody. I’m right there with you.

Bushwhacked:
The crew of the Firelfy come upon a derelict ship, which turns out to be carrying a survivor of a Reaver attack. After being pulled aboard by an Alliance cruiser, the passenger escapes from their medbay and begins wreaking havoc.

Zoe: Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something.
Wash:
Oh my god. What can it be? We’re all doomed! Who’s flying this thing!? Oh right, that would be me. Back to work.

Simon: Oh yes, he’s a real beast. [looks at Jayne] It’s a wonder you’re still alive.
Jayne
: Looked bigger when I couldn’t see him.

Alliance Commander: You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?
Zoe: Fought with a lot of people in the war.
Alliance Commander:
And your husband?
Zoe:
Fight with him sometimes, too.

Mal: That poor bastard you took off my ship. He looked right into the face of it—was made to stare.
Harken
: “It”?
Mal
: That darkness. Kind of darkness you can’t even imagine. Blacker than the space it moves through.
Harken
: Very poetic.
Mal
: They made him watch. He probably tried to turn away, and they wouldn’t let him. You call him a survivor? He’s not. A man comes up against that kind of will, the only way to deal with it, I suspect, is to become it.

Shindig:
A formal ball takes place and Mal, Inara are both in attendance as part of a job. However, Mal bites off more than he can chew when he slugs a patron and is challenged to a sword fight.

(Mal shows Inara the money he stole from the slaver)
Inara: Mal!
Mal: Oh, terrible shame. ‘Course, they won’t discover it till they go order their next round of drinks.
Slaver: Wei.
Mal: Good drinker, that one.

Zoe: Planet’s coming up a mite fast.
Wash
: That’s just ’cause— I’m going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.
Mal: Well, that happens, let me know.

Badger: Course you couldn’t buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle. I’ve got my hands on a couple. [Mal and Jayne grin] Of invites!

Atherton: You belong here, Inara, not on that flying piece of go-se. You see that, don’t you?
Inara: Atherton, language.
Atherton: What? “Piece of go-se”? But it is a piece of go-se.
Major Domo: Miss Kaywinnet Lee Frye and escort.
Inara: Kaylee? [Kaylee enters with Mal] Oh, go-se.

[Mal is challenged to a duel]
Mal: Well why wait? Where’s that guard? He collected a whole mess of pistols.
Nobleman: If you require it, any gentleman here can give you use of a sword.
Mal: Use of a s-what?

Mal: Now, you taking on this job – being my second – does this mean we’re in business?
Sir Warwick Harrow:
It means you’re in mortal danger. But you mussed up Atherton’s face, and that has endeared you to me somewhat.

Sir Warwick: You have to finish it, lad. [Mal doesn’t move] You have to finish it. For a man to lay beaten, yet breathing? It makes him a coward.
Inara
: It’s humiliation.
Mal
: It would be humiliating, having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. [lightly stabs Atherton] Guess I’m just a good man. [Stabs again] Well, I’m all right.

Safe:
During a routine cargo haul, Book is wounded in a firefight. Things are further complicated as River and Simon (the ship’s surgeon) are kidnapped by some local villagers.

Mal: So, she’s added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy.
Simon:
It’s just a bad day.
Mal:
No, a bad day is when someone’s yellin’ spooks the cattle. Understand? You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It’s kind of like a…a meat grinder. And it’ll lose us half the herd.
Simon:
She hasn’t gone anywhere near the cattle.
Mal:
No, but in case you hadn’t noticed, her voice kinda carries. We’re two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed.” (to River) “Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn’t.
River:
The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
Mal:
See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.

Zoe: You sanguine about the kind of reception we’re apt to receive on an Alliance ship, Cap’n?
Mal: Absolutely. What’s ‘sanguine’ mean?
Zoe:
  ‘Sanguine’. Hopeful. Plus — point of interest — it also means ‘bloody’.
Mal: Well, that pretty much covers all the options, don’t it?

Jayne: [mock reading Simon’s journal] “Dear Diary…today I was pompous and my sister was crazy.” [flips page] “Today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.”

Mal: Y’all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? Now I’m not saying you weren’t easy to find but it was kinda out of our way, and he didn’t want to come in the first place. Man’s lookin’ to kill some folk. So really, it’s his will y’all should worry about thwarting.

Simon: So, finally a decent wound on this ship, and I miss out. I’m sorry.
Mal
: Well, you were busy trying to get yourself lit on fire. It happens.

Our Mrs. Reynolds:
After foiling some bandits on a remote colony, Mal is compensated with a rare gift… a new wife! However, she proves to be more than what she appears to be and betrays him and the crew to some salvagers, leaving Mal and the crew scurrying to save the ship.

Bandit: You gonna give us what’s due us. And every damn thing else on that boat. And I think maybe you gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus.
Jayne
: Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.
Mal
: How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne
: If I could make you prettier I would!
Mal
: You are not the man I met a year ago!

Inara: So… explain to me again why Zoe wasn’t in the dress?
Mal
: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. Besides, them soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. There’s a whole… airflow.
Inara
: And you’d know that because…?
Mal
: You can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I am a mystery.

Wash: Is there any more where that came from?
Saffron
: I didn’t think to make enough for your friends… But everything’s laid out if you’d like to cook for your husband.
Wash
: Z— heh-heh… Isn’t she quaint? I’m just not hungry.

Book: If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Mal:
Are you offering me a trade?
Jayne:
A trade!? Hell, it’s theft! This is the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value. It’s miles more worthy than what you got.
Mal: What I got? She has a name.
Jayne: So does this! I call it Vera.
Mal: Well, my days of taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.

Saffron: But we’ve been wed. Aren’t… we to become one flesh?
Mal
: Well, no, uh… we’re still two fleshes here, and… I think… that your flesh oughta… sleep somewhere else.
Saffron
: I’m sorry. When we talked, I’d hoped, but I—
Mal
: Whoa, hey! Flesh. Um… Saffron… i-it… it ain’t a question of pleasing me. It’s more a question of what’s…um… of what’s morally right.
Saffron
: I do know my Bible, sir. [Recites a fictional bible verse] “On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow, and he shall work in her, in and again, till she bring him to his fall, and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast.”
Mal: Whoa. Good Bible.

Saffron: Do you know the myth of Earth-That-Was?
Wash
: Not so much.
Saffron
: That when she was born, she had no sky, and was open, inviting. And the stars would rush into her, through the skin of her…
Wash
: Huh.
Saffron
: …making the oceans boil with sensation. And when she could endure no more ecstasy, she puffed up her cheeks and blew out the sky.
Wash
: Whoa. Good myth.

Saffron: Everybody plays each other. That’s all anybody ever does. We play parts.
Mal
: You’ve got all kinds o’ learnin’ and you made me look the fool without even trying, yet here I am, with a gun to your head. That’s ’cause I got people with me. People who trust each other, who do for each other, and ain’t always lookin’ for the advantage.
Saffron
: Promise me you’re gonna kill me soon.

Mal: So here’s where I’m fuzzy. You got by that girl, came and found me, and somehow you happen to just trip and fall.
Inara
: What do you mean?
Mal
: Come on, Inara. How’s about we don’t play. You didn’t just trip, did you?
Inara
: No.
Mal
: Well, isn’t that something… I knew you let her kiss you.

As this is going long, I shall be breaking it down into another two posts. That ought to be enough to cover the remaining episodes and the movie… maybe. No promises though, lot of good lines in this show ;)