“Bath Salts” and the Zombie Apocalypse

zombiesI hear it more and more these days: “Is this the Zombie Apocalypse we were warned about?” Or is this just one of those rare occasions when pop culture and real news come together to create a sick, existential joke? In either case, I think we all know what I’m talking about. A little incident involving a naked man and some face eating? Yes, that one!

In that case, police indicated that drugs were involved, a strange new psychogenic named “Cloud Nine”. This drug is apparently a form of MDPV cocaine, also known by the street name “Bath Salts”. The “zombie man” Rudy Eugene was apparently loaded on the euphoric amphetamine when he attacked Ronald Poppo, bit half his face off, and then threatened to eat the police.

According to numerous stories on the subject, this product is a perfectly legal form of bath salt that is meant to provide an invigorating bath experience. But given its recent link to this and other incidents , that’s likely to change! Shortly after the first “zombie attack” took place, police in Miami began reporting similar incidents where people ere either biting or threatening to bite other passerby’s. Here too, the behavior was attributed to Bath Salts.

And now it seems that a similar incident has happened here in the Great White North. For those not familiar with the Luke Magnotta story, allow me to elaborate. It began a few days ago when two political party headquarters in Montreal began receiving body parts in the mail. This was followed shortly thereafter by more body parts appearing on the doorstep of Vancouver Police Department, which appeared to belong to the same victim.

Magnotta, crazy-ass freak!

It took no time at all for authorities to identify the guilty party, a 29 year old man by the name of Luke Magnotta who was apparently a gay porn actor. After committing the grisly crime, he had fled to Germany where authorities found him and arrested him. According to the police reports, he was in an internet cafe reading about himself online. It also took them no time to identify the victim, a Chinese student named Lin Jun, a 33 year old man who was having a relationship with Magnotta.

RIP dude!

Based on their initial investigation, police revealed that in addition to cutting his former lover up, Magnotta also engaged in some cannibalism with the body parts and video-taped the whole thing. He posted these and other gruesome tidbits on the web, hence why it was not hard to catch him! He is being extradited as we speak to Canada to stand trial. No indication has been given yet whether or not Bath Salts or some other drug was involved, or if he was just bat-shit crazy.

Granted, this is not the first time that drugs have been linked to cannibalistic behavior. In fact, cases have been reported where people high on PCP/”Angel Dust” have engaged in these and other totally messed-up behaviors. Still, the way this has coincided with the recent zombie craze is nothing short of sickening and frightening!

Just in case, I think it might be a good idea to start researching Zombie guns. I’m not condoning the whole “Zombie Apocalypse” theory, I’m just saying that it might not be a bad idea to have a contingency plan just in case this behavior starts to… you know, spread! In the meantime, I’m thinking it might not be too late to re-evaluate the “Just Say No” policy either, especially where Bath Salts are concerned. I know we all love a good, invigorating bath, but it aint worth becoming a zombie people! Stick to aromatherapy, lotions and luffa; or better yet, do what I do and just have a hot shower. Thanks for listening, and in the meantime, protect your exposed flesh!