Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse!

zombies-city-and-the-crowdCurrent events not related to science, tech, and/or pop culture are not exactly my forte. But I came across this article in the new lately and could not resist passing it on. To break it down, police in West Brighton NY conducted a raid on a man’s apartment over the weekend. In the course of searching his place, they found tw0 loaded pistols – a Springfield Armory XD40 .40 cal and an American Firearms Mfg. Co. .25 cal – along with 43 loose .25 caliber rounds.

But the twist came when they asked Nelson Quinones, one of the two residents, why he was in possession of these guns, which he kept stashed in his dresser drawer and under his bed. Apparently, the man told police that he was gearing up for “doomsday” or the “zombie apocalypse”. Quinones also had a gravity knife on his person when police searched him in his apartment building’s rear parking lot, court papers allege.

https://i0.wp.com/www.transportationissuesdaily.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Zombies-ahead.jpgAccording to court papers and the District Attorney, both he and Ms. Meritza Hay (who lives with him) face serious criminal charges as a result of these weapons. Both face third- and fourth-degree criminal possession of a weapon, as well as criminal possession of a firearm and possession of ammunition. But Mr. Quinone’s wife also faces more serious charges due to the fact that she was convicted of misdemeanor drug possession in 2000.

But let’s face it: the real issue here is the zombie apocalypse, isn’t it? This man was in the early stages of stockpiling weapons because he knew what was coming! And while his intentions were good, his methods were terribly flawed! So let me address those now in an open letter to Mr. Quinone. Hopefully, it will give him something to think about while he’s languishing in jail…

gun_violenceMr. Quinone, while I applaud your efforts to be prepared for the inevitable rise/return of the living/walking dead, there’s a few things you need to understand. First of all, if you’re going to go the gun route for the zombie apocalypse, a 9mm is really the only way to go. More capacity for your weapon, big enough to take out a zombie’s brain, and far more common. This is important when it comes time to scavenge.

Second, everybody knows that firearms draw the attention of zombies (aka. Walkers, aka. Biters, aka. Zack, aka. Whiskeys!). If you’re planning on having to defend yourself from them, you should be hoarding melee weapons, such as the trusty katana sword, a machete, a truncheon, or just some good old fashioned baseball bats. You really want to fortify that for a zombie fight, wrap some barbed wire around it or stud it with some nails.

See?
See? Way more effective than a gun!

Some riot armor would help too, or just some improvised protection like some leather patches stitched into a suite of armor. Zombies spread their infectious disease through bites and scratches, so something that will prevent them from your from getting grazed would be a boon. And let’s not even get into how little thought you put into the state of your transportation.

Everybody knows that in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, you’re going to need to get the hell out of dodge, so something that can address the special needs of survival on a budget is a must. Naturally, you might be tempted to get yourself a horse since these and other more traditional modes of transportation are fuel-efficient (which is a big plus in any apocalyptic scenario).

zombie_carBut horses or mules are likely to panic at the site of flesh-eating zombies and buck you. What’s more, the presence of unfetid, uncorrupted flesh tends to draw the zombies in your direction. Far better to soup up your existing vehicle into a zombie-smasher with the addition of some floodlights and a front-end plough. I believe the picture above of Robert Kirkman’s zombie car will help to illustrate.

Last, but certainly not least, is the issue of supplies. When police raided your home, did they find a huge collection of fresh water containers, dehydrated foods, C-rations, vitamin supplements, batteries, solar cookers, camping stoves, propane tanks, or signal flares? No, they didn’t! These should be your FIRST priority, not some hand guns! What were you planning – to waiting for the crisis to hit before running down to the mall and hoarding with the rest of us?

Now that's what a storeroom looks like!
Now that’s what a storeroom looks like!

He who plans for the apocalypse ahead of time is always better prepared and more suited to life once its underway. Just ask all those nuts who live in their hilltop communities – the ones who’ve been stockpiling guns, ammo, food, water, diesel fuel and generators for decades. These guys will tell you that now is the time to stockpile for the coming apocalypse. But don’t mention zombies, they might think you’re crazy and shoot you.

But above all is the rather timid effort you put into stockpiling weapons, sir. I mean really, two handguns? Real survivalists have been spending the past few years amassing as many assault weapons, shotguns, pistols, and submachine guns as they can afford and the law will allow. Such popular weapons include the AR-15, Tech-9, Mossberg 590A1, and the Glock 17. And if the law is a bit inflexible in your state, just zip next door or go to a gun show!

zombiegun3Yes, it pains me to say it, buy you really dropped the ball on this one, sir! Now some might say that this was just your lame-ass attempt to excuse owning two illegal guns. But I know you to be a conscientious individual who cares greatly for your and your significant other’s safety. I also know that as such an individual, you want to be prepared to meet this inevitable catastrophe head on.

So assuming it hasn’t come to pass while you’re still in jail (in which case, you’ll die like a rat in a cage), I urge you to reconsider your efforts! Cover the necessities first, then worry about the incidentals. Thank you, and in the meantime, be sure to watch yourself while standing in the chow line. Also, don’t drop the soap. And if you can, find the biggest, meanest, ugliest man you can, and glom onto him. You don’t want to be just anybody’s bitch!

And if my might be so bold, you could read my Whiskey Delta series that deals with the zombie apocalypse, which I am currently working on the third installment for. It’s chock full of survival tips. They do get Amazon delivery in jail, don’t they? NOOOO? Well then, you’re screwed!

Zombie Warrior: Primary Weapons!

zombiegun3Welcome back prospective zombie-hunters. Today, we shall talk about outfitting your character with weapons! Sure, you’ve already had a gander at hand-to-hand items, but what about the heavy-hitting stuff? What about the main weapon in your arsenal that you specifically chose because it can splatter a zombie’s brain pan at over 500 meters? That’s the stuff of today’s selection, ranging from assault to shotguns, composite bows to sniper rifles, and machine guns to crossbows. You only get one, so choose wisely!

Assault Rifles/Heavy Guns:
AK-47:

AK-47Pros: As the most popular assault weapon the world, the AK-47 and its associated parts proved easily obtainable after the zombie apocalypse. In addition to having a good deal of stopping power and a good rate of fire, the extended mag affords the user a good 30 to 42 rounds of ammo. What’s more, this assault rifle is renowned for being easy to operate, strip down, and can be put through the ringer and still remain operational.

Cons: In terms of range and accuracy, the AK-47 is good, but not great. It’s effective range is roughly 400 meters, but it can only provide accuracy for the first 100 or so, making it a poor choice for long range sniping and precision fire. What’s more, the recoil can be a bit of a bugger, which is part the reason its accuracy is not the best.

M4A1 Carbine:
M4A1_2Pros:
The scaled-down model of the venerable M16, the M4 is favorite amongst servicemen because of its balance of accuracy, power, range. It’s 30 round mag provides a good supply of ammo, and it can be used to snipe targets at long range (500 meters) as easily as mow them down up close. What’s more, its shortened stock makes it far more portable than most assault rifles.

Cons: While the M4 is easier to use than its predecessor, it still suffers from some of the problems that plagued it. It’s complex design can be difficult to maintain in rough and dirty conditions, which zombie-hunters can routinely expect. It’s power is also somewhat limited, compared to heavier, larger caliber weapons. The key is to keep it clean, and all should be well.

MP5:
MP5Pros: Designed with law enforcement and special forces in mind, the MP5 is a very balanced weapon, combining a high-caliber 9mm bullet, good ammo capacity (30 rounds), and an effective range in a light, compact package. It’s rate of fire, which can be switched from semi-auto to full, also makes it a good weapon for both precision fire and moving at close range.

Cons: The most obvious drawback of this weapon, compared to other rifles, is its range. Given the small jacket size of the bullet and limited muzzle length, it can hit targets at 100 meters away with accuracy, a fraction of what a high-powered assault rifle can do. This also means its stopping power is confined to close range, and cannot be relied on to snipe at anything in the far distance.

SAW:
M249_SAWPros:
The Squad Automatic Weapon was designed with fire-power and mobility in mind. With a rate of fire commensurate with most heavy machine-guns, a fifty round drum, and a relatively light frame, the SAW boasts a lot of killing power without being too tricky to get around. And though a zombie-hunter would be tempted to let loose at close range with one of these, it also has an effective range of 800 meter for precision fire and a total range of 3,600 meters, making it a good long-range weapon as well.

Cons: Naturally, all of this comes with its share of downsides. Though it it light for a machine gun, its overall weight is a bit of an issue, not to mention the weight of carrying additional drum mags. And combined with the recoil provided by a high rate of fire (a good 775 rounds a minute), this makes for a weapon that should only be carried by the “big man” of the group.

SCAR-L:
scar_l-1Pro:
Known as the Spec Ops Forces Combat Assault Rifle, this weapon was designed with versatility and reliability in mind. The standard model boasts a set of optical sights, a stock handle, and comes with either a 20 or 30 round magazine. It is highly stable, accurate, and has an effective range of 600 meters. The 20 round SCAR-H is a sniper variant, with increased accuracy and a 7.62mm round, while the SCAR-L is a 5.56mm assault rifle with an increased rate of fire.

Cons: As a special operations design, the SCAR is not common or easily procured. Those who have them will therefore have a hard time finding replacement parts when compared to the M4 or AK-47. And given the complexity of the design, maintenance can once again be a bit of a problem, especially for those not trained in their use and upkeep.

Shotguns:
KSG:
kel_techPros: A cutting-edge design, boasting duel feed magazines and compact dimensions, this weapon is well suited for anti-zombie defense! In total, it holds 14 rounds, as is operated by pump action. It’s two handles also ensure a relative degree of accuracy, making head shots a real possibility.

Cons: Unfortunately, the weapon has two distinct drawbacks. Though it holds a highly respectable 14 shots between its two magazines, the pump action slows it down somewhat. In addition, it must be reloaded manually, and between its two tubes, that can take some time. This demands that the user find cover after exhausting their supply of ammo, or spend only part of it before taking time to reload.

SPAS-12:
SPAS12Pros: Originally designed for sport shooting, this automatic shotgun has become a mainstay amongst police and military forces everywhere. Able to shoot in either the pump action or semi-automatic firing modes, it is renowned for versatility, reliability, and firepower. It’s eight round capacity is also highly respectable as ammo capacities go.

Cons: The only drawbacks, compared to other weapons in this category, is its limited ammo supply. Though accurate and not prone to mechanical problems, which can happen in automatic designs, the SPAS 12 can deplete its ammo quicker and then takes time to reload.

Striker:
StrikerPros: Manufactured in South Africa, the Striker Protecta was specifically designed to be a counter-insurgency, high capacity weapon with a hell of a lot of punch. It’s size and shape make it compact and portable, and its 12 round magazine give it enough capacity for a prolonged firefight.

Cons: In terms of drawbacks, the Strikers has a few. Though it has a good capacity, it has to be reloaded manually, which can take some time. In addition, even though its compact, the drum magazine can make it bulky and awkward to carry. However, it can make up for this since it doesn’t require additional magazines, just a simple ammo belt, in order to be reloaded.

USAS-12:
USAS-12Pros: Combining the familiar profile of an assault rifle with the concept of a shotgun, the USAS-12 also manages to combine a high capacity with a lot of firepower! The standard box magazine can hold 10 shots, but the drum magazine gives it a robust twenty. However, this is balanced by the fact that the ten can be reloaded by simply slamming a new box into place, whereas the twenty must be reloaded manually.

Cons: The only potential drawback of this weapon is its rate of fire. In addition to being semi-automatic, the gunner does not need to pull the trigger multiple times to get multiple shots off. This can cause have a saturation effect, but can also waist ammo. Remember, zombies hunt in packs, so saturation is only useful in real close quarters.

Sniper Rifles:
Barrett M82:

barrett_82a1_1Pros: Where to begin? An effective range of 1800 meters, a ten round detachable magazine, and semi-automatic fire. And did I forget to mention a .50 cal slug? Yes, the M82 is a highly effective zombie-killer, and not just because a single shot will take a zombie’s head clean off. It’s long range, built-in sights, and high-capacity, semi-automatic fire make it an all around effective zombie-killer. Aim for one and watch three more behind it fall with a single shot!

Cons: Right off the bat, there’s the issue of recoil. This rifle packs a hell of a punch and repeated fire can be a bit inaccurate because of it. What’s more, the high muzzle velocity and size of the slug makes for a loud bang, so a single shot will give your positions away and attract attention.

Dragunov:
dragunov-sniper-rifle-11886796

Pros: There’s something to be said for a weapon that merges several good aspects of an assault rifle with the accuracy and stability of a sniper rifle. A ten box mag, high stability, an effective range of 800 meters, semi-automatic fire and portability make the Dragunov a fitting weapon for the sniper in your zombie-hunting team. And like the AK-47 on which it’s design is based, its also rugged and reliable in the field.

Cons: Unfortunately, this weapon also marries some of the lesser aspects of the AK-47 to its design. Compared to other sniper rifles, this weapon is somewhat lacking in accuracy, due in large part to the relative recoil of the weapon. Repeated shots on target can be a challenge because of this.

M40:
m40Pros: When it comes to accuracy and stability, the M40 is virtually unbeatable, hence why the US Marines continue to use the design to outfit their snipers. With an effective range of 900 meters, a ten round capacity, simplicity of design and pinpoint accuracy, it’s a faithful and reliable weapon to have in the field.

Cons: As a bolt action, this rifle is slow where repeat-fire comes into play. After each shot, the firer must go then make four moves in order to chamber another round, which be a hassle when dealing with approaching hordes.

SG 550:

sg550

Pros: A variation on the Swiss-designed SG 550 assault rifle, the sniper variant has many advantages over other rifles. For one, it is highly ergonomic, featuring a folding stock with a special cheek rest for portability and comfortable firing. The recoil is also reduced, making for greater accuracy, and the twenty round mag and semi-automatic fire give it plenty of punch.

Cons: The downside to this weapon is the range, which gets up to a comparatively meager 400 meters. It’s a good mid or close-range sniper rifle, but ineffective where long distances are concerned.

Special Weapons:
Composite Bow:
Pros:
In times of zombie apocalypse, simple weapons are often the most effective. In the case of a composite bow, a single well placed shot to the head or eye socket will take out a zombie, and the fact that it makes virtually no noise is a plus. And given the power of the composite, most shots are likely to do as much damage as a bullet.

Cons: Naturally, ammo capacity is limited compared to a rifle, as is effective range. While an experienced bower can hit a target at several dozen meters, the time it takes to reload between shots presents a challenge for anyone who is not highly experienced.

Crossbow:
Pros:
Another traditional weapon which is ideally suited to post-apocalyptic zombie-smashing. The crossbow has all the same benefits of the composite bow, but is lighter in weight and easier to aim. Once again, a single shot is as effective as a bullet, and the lack of noise ensures a degree of stealth not afforded with most firearms.

Cons: Again, range and rate of fire are compromised for the sake of simplicity and stealth. Also, reloading takes time and ammo capacity is limited, even if this is offset by the fact that arrows can be retrieved. Once again, a user must pick their engagements and get in close to their targets to be effective.

Are you ready? Pick your weapon, and make sure its a choice you’re prepared to stand behind. Because once that horde comes-a-knocking, there will be no time for swapping and backsies!

2012 In Review!

fireworks1The end of the year, in review, as provided by the nice folks at WordPress.com! I have to say, 2012 was pretty good to this little blog o’ mine! In addition to me getting the bulk of my current followers, I also received the vast (and I mean VAST) majority of my views in this one year. Consider… of the a grand total of 186,878 hits, over 180,000 took place between Jan. 1st 2012 and today.

Not only that, but of the 769 posts I’ve made since the sight went up, 670 were put up in this last year. Wow… I do love to go on, apparently. To top all that off, 2012 was the year that I published my highest articles of all time. The first was “A Tribute to the Joker” (which remains my top grosser) which currently holds the top spot at 27,974 views. Second place went to “Bath Salts and the Zombie Apocalypse” with 25,697, and rounding up third was “Zombie Guns or How to Prepare for World War Z” at 6,049. Fourth place went to “Dystopian Science Fiction” which earned 4,775 views and is the only article on this site to have been “Freshly Pressed”.

Yeah, its good to see all this stuff in review. It helps you take stock. It also lets you know what you’re doing right and what people seem to like the most. Judging from these hit counters though, I’d say people like sociopathic clowns, zombies, and guns way more than they do classic literature. Hmm… Should I be worried?

Here’s an excerpt:

About 55,000 tourists visit Liechtenstein every year. This blog was viewed about 180,000 times in 2012. If it were Liechtenstein, it would take about 3 years for that many people to see it. Your blog had more visits than a small country in Europe!

Click here to see the complete report.

25,000 Hits!

Wow! It seems like only yesterday I was celebrating the big 2-0… times 1000! But as of this evening, my stock ticker rolled over yet again, this time at 25,000. Unfortunately, the mood is less than festive over here. Sure, this is good news, but there’s bad news too.

Good News: Well, I’ve reached this milestone a little ahead of schedule. Back when I hit 20,000, I figured I’d need a few more weeks before the next 5k. But a recent upsurge in traffic has made this possible sooner. Ah, which brings me to…

The Bad News: This upsurge in traffic has been due to a single post in my lineup. One which involves a certain incident involving drugs and sick, ghoulish behavior. Know which one I’m referring to? No? Think flesh eating bacteria, minus the bacteria. Still need a hint? Zombies, dammit! It seems that more than half my traffic in the last few days has been people coming by to read about “Bath Salts” and the recent upsurge in cannibalism.

So you see my predicament. On the one hand, my little blog is growing in popularity. Why just the other day I got my first hate mail! But it’s not good to benefit from bad news, especially the kind that involves people dying. Only two kinds of people do that – weapons makers and oil barons, and I assure you, I am neither. If I was, I imagine people would be hitting me up for money more often 😉

But I guess this just proves what I said before, about zombie-ism being big in the news right now. And hey, I’m certainly not immune. Hardly a day has gone by lately that I haven’t talked about zombie weapons or wondered when the hell Walking Dead was coming back to TV (October 2012, according to IMBD). But the fact that this all involved that creepy murdering weirdo makes me feel like I’m kind of profiting off of tragedy.

So here’s what I plan to do. Henceforth, that crazed, weirdo, batshit-crazy Canadian fellow who shall remain nameless will receive no free publicity from me! However, I shall continue to talk about the possible (translation: totally fictitious) connection between Bath Salts and the coming Zombie Apocalypse. I have a duty to mankind to help them prepare! So in the days that follow, perhaps we should address strategy, fitness, and the little things we can do to stay alive in the event of a zombie attack.

Good stuff! So stay tuned and remember: don’t give murderers publicity, cannibalism aint cool, and say no to Bath Salts!

Zombie Weapons (addendum)

Can’t believe it but I seemed to have forgotten an all important aspect of zombie fighting with my last post (Zombie Guns). We all know there are certain kinds of firepower that excel at smashing zombie brains. But when it comes right down to it, there’s something to be said for a truly old fashioned weapon. The kind that relies on your swinging arm, or perhaps a little gasoline! I am of course referring to melee weapons, the kind that are designed for hand to hand.

So I am amending my last list to include some prime zombie smashing equipment. I also think I will amend the rules from the last post. Instead of four guns, I think we should get our pick of three plus one melee weapon. That seems fair, and works well with the whole balance of firepower and versatility thing. Bullets run out, but what you got in your hands can keep on killing until you break it or you get overrun! Dammit, all this talk of zombie smashing is making me

Melee Weapons:
The weapon on truly last resort, what you grab a hold of when all else fails or you just plain run out of ammo. In this case, what matters is either blunt force trauma, slicing power, or a combination thereof. Weight and balance are also important, as is compactness and portability. Since this is your last weapon, it should fit on your person without trouble and not be a hassle to get around.

Axe:
Chopping wood is just one of many uses for this traditional tool turned zombie killer! On the one hand, you can use the blade to chop zombie skulls, then you can turn it around for a little blunt force trauma. This allows for swinging back and forth without having to worry about making sure the sharp end is pointed forward. And it can also be used with one hand, keeping the other free for other weapons!

However, as anyone who’s chopped wood for an extended period of time knows, swinging an axe can get pretty tiring! And even though it can be swung with one hand, its hard to do that and shoot or stab from the other, know what I mean?

Baseball Bat:
Ah yes, the symbol of America’s pastime and the favored weapon of gangsters, gang-bangers and thugs everywhere! And in the event of a zombie apocalypse, its also pretty handy for smashing the heads of the infected/undead! In terms of blunt force trauma, it can’t be beat. Its tough wooden frame can take down a zombie with a single blow, and a few more will finish the job! It’s also quite wieldy and not heavy, making repeated use easy.

Downsides? Well it requires that you keep a hand free to carry it. Otherwise, you need a special carrying sleeve to hold it which can take up added room. Miniature ones can be snuck up your shirt sleeve, but that presents its own problems.

Chainsaw:
What is it about chainsaws that are just so cool? Is it because they’re gruesome and ruthless, at least in the right hands? Perhaps. But in the right hands, they are also a very good zombie killer. A single slashing cut can take off a zombie head, and simple contact can hew off limbs and chew through their ugly flesh!

Naturally, the size and weight of this weapon can make it a bit unwieldy. And of course it requires two hands which can make cycling between weapons difficult. And last, it requires gasoline to function, which means it has a limited term of service. Lots of killing power, but you pay for it in other ways.

Chainsaw bayonet:
Now here is a pretty awesome combination! The raw killing power of a chainsaw with the added functionality of a bayonet. In addition to providing the user with the grinding power of a chainsaw, it also frees up their hands so they can tote their rifle. This combination gives them killing power at a distance and an effective melee attack if any zombies get in close.

The downside of this is obvious though. The added weight to the front of the rifle makes for depleted accuracy and portability. Basically, a soldier has to hold the front end constantly, forcing them to shoot from the hip instead of taking aim. And again, the weapon is only functional so long as it has a gas supply.

Claymore:
The sword that made Scotland proud and its warriors feared! Heavy, long, sharp and beautifully crafted, this sword is famous for knocking off heads and limbs with single strokes. Its long blade also makes for a good reach against flesh-hungry zombies!

Downsides? Well, its size and weight make it hard to wield. As long as you got two arms and big muscles, you can swing this around and take out any zombie in the vicinity. But anyone doing this can expect to get tired fast. And like the chainsaw, it requires two hands, making cycling difficult.

KA-BAR:
The knife made famous by the Marine Corps, or was it the other way around? No, I’m pretty sure the Marines were doing fine before this knife came along. Still, its effectiveness as an infantry weapon make it a perfect addition to any zombie killing arsenal. A good 7 inches long, sharp as hell, and made of steel with a carbon tip point, a good thrust will render zombie brains inoperative.

As for downsides, can’t think of many. In close quarters, this is a good weapon to have, being lightweight and requiring only one hand to wield. Of course, the fact that it can’t take off zombie limbs means it can only kill when plunged into a zombie’s skull. And in its current form, it can’t be fixed as a bayonet, making it less versatile than some other blades here.

Pigsticker:
The little bayonet that could… F*@#! up the face of some zombies! Yes, this spike bayonet has undergone a revival of sorts thanks to the prospect of a zombie apocalypse. Small, adaptable to any rifle, and capable of taking out a zombie brain with a good poke in the eye, this weapon is both portable, versatile, and effective!

It’s small size and the fact that it can be mounted on top also doesn’t eliminate the possibility of a grenade launcher attached to your rifle either. However, the spike is somewhat limited in some respects. Being small and thin, it can’t really penetrate a skull with ease. Overuse can also break it, and its range is somewhat limited.

Samuria Sword:
My thanks to Goran Zidar for suggesting this one. In the event of a zombie attack, this weapon is definitely one I would want on hand! Made of folded, tempered steel, good weight and wieldy, this sword can cut through bone, flesh, knock off heads, and limbs all at once. It can even chop into the brain pan of a zombie when used in an overhead attack.

But of course, the sword still takes two hands to wield effectively. What’s more, in the event of a head attack, it can get stuck in vertebrae and skull bone if not used properly. Always remember to snap the blade back at the end of the strike!

SKS folding bayonet:
This Soviet-era bayonet is famous for being the only gun mounted blade that is retractable. This can be a time saver when it comes time to prepare for a zombie charge, or ensure some added safety should you want to leave the bayonet on full time.

Downsides are few, but the folding attachment means that a stiff blow can detach it from the fixed position. In a zombie fight, you don’t want to find your bayonet folded back on you, thus forcing you refix it between brain stabbings! Having this bayonet on also means you can’t have a rocket launcher fixed to your weapon.

Machete:
Much like the baseball bat, the machete’s greatest features are its simplicity and brutal efficiency. And just for fun, I selected the Kukri machete, the Nepalese inspired variant which is the workhorse of modern machetes. Few weapons can out-cut this one, and a single blow is about as effective as that of samurai sword. But the Kukri manages to accomplish this with a much smaller frame, making it more compact and portable.

Potential downsides… Well it’s not the easiest thing to carry when not in use. Its curved blade means that you’d need a special holster since you can’t expect to just stick in your pocket, not unless you want to sever something vital! And since it’s smaller than a sword, you can’t really sling it over your back. So yes, portability might be a bit of an issue.

M9 Bayonet:
Last, but certainly not least, is the standard M9 infantry bayonet. A favorite amongst the US Army and USMC, the M9 is effective, reliable, and a quick kill option when fixed onto an assault rifle. Fixed at two points to a weapon, the odds of it coming off are also unlikely, making it a sturdy killer as well.

Drawbacks include diminished accuracy, which has been a problem since WWII. Soldiers usually resolve this by waiting until the enemy is close before fixing them. However, this presents the problem of having to take the time to slap it on while the zombie’s approach!

Are You Ready?
Okay, so the rules are clear right? One melee weapon, three guns. GO! My new picks are as follows:

Melee: Kukri Machete
Small Arm: Calico
Shotgun: USAS-12
Rifle: Stey AUG

I’m ready for some zombie smashing! Let me at em!

“Bath Salts” and the Zombie Apocalypse

zombiesI hear it more and more these days: “Is this the Zombie Apocalypse we were warned about?” Or is this just one of those rare occasions when pop culture and real news come together to create a sick, existential joke? In either case, I think we all know what I’m talking about. A little incident involving a naked man and some face eating? Yes, that one!

In that case, police indicated that drugs were involved, a strange new psychogenic named “Cloud Nine”. This drug is apparently a form of MDPV cocaine, also known by the street name “Bath Salts”. The “zombie man” Rudy Eugene was apparently loaded on the euphoric amphetamine when he attacked Ronald Poppo, bit half his face off, and then threatened to eat the police.

According to numerous stories on the subject, this product is a perfectly legal form of bath salt that is meant to provide an invigorating bath experience. But given its recent link to this and other incidents , that’s likely to change! Shortly after the first “zombie attack” took place, police in Miami began reporting similar incidents where people ere either biting or threatening to bite other passerby’s. Here too, the behavior was attributed to Bath Salts.

And now it seems that a similar incident has happened here in the Great White North. For those not familiar with the Luke Magnotta story, allow me to elaborate. It began a few days ago when two political party headquarters in Montreal began receiving body parts in the mail. This was followed shortly thereafter by more body parts appearing on the doorstep of Vancouver Police Department, which appeared to belong to the same victim.

Magnotta, crazy-ass freak!

It took no time at all for authorities to identify the guilty party, a 29 year old man by the name of Luke Magnotta who was apparently a gay porn actor. After committing the grisly crime, he had fled to Germany where authorities found him and arrested him. According to the police reports, he was in an internet cafe reading about himself online. It also took them no time to identify the victim, a Chinese student named Lin Jun, a 33 year old man who was having a relationship with Magnotta.

RIP dude!

Based on their initial investigation, police revealed that in addition to cutting his former lover up, Magnotta also engaged in some cannibalism with the body parts and video-taped the whole thing. He posted these and other gruesome tidbits on the web, hence why it was not hard to catch him! He is being extradited as we speak to Canada to stand trial. No indication has been given yet whether or not Bath Salts or some other drug was involved, or if he was just bat-shit crazy.

Granted, this is not the first time that drugs have been linked to cannibalistic behavior. In fact, cases have been reported where people high on PCP/”Angel Dust” have engaged in these and other totally messed-up behaviors. Still, the way this has coincided with the recent zombie craze is nothing short of sickening and frightening!

Just in case, I think it might be a good idea to start researching Zombie guns. I’m not condoning the whole “Zombie Apocalypse” theory, I’m just saying that it might not be a bad idea to have a contingency plan just in case this behavior starts to… you know, spread! In the meantime, I’m thinking it might not be too late to re-evaluate the “Just Say No” policy either, especially where Bath Salts are concerned. I know we all love a good, invigorating bath, but it aint worth becoming a zombie people! Stick to aromatherapy, lotions and luffa; or better yet, do what I do and just have a hot shower. Thanks for listening, and in the meantime, protect your exposed flesh!