How to Ninja Proof a House

ninjahomeinvasionFrom the good people who brought you “How to zombie-proof a house” comes the latest in sensible real-estate planning. This time round, it is how you go about protecting your home from ninja intrusion. Using a full-page infographic with multiple panels, which you can check out here, all the countermeasures you will need to know are listed.

Combining ancient know-how with modern technology, these counter-measures include:

  • Squeaky floors
  • Security cameras
  • Fire suppression systems
  • Maze-like hallways
  • Powerful ventilation
  • High-tech locks
  • Facial recognition software
  • Smart floors
  • Gravel Yards
  • Steel walls and ceilings
  • Tall and curved outer walls

ninja.jpgWhat impresses me about all of this, aside from the time and thought dedicated to it, is how well it merges knowledge from feudal Japan with modern home defense systems. For example, feudal barons who feared assassination during Japan’s Sengoku (or “Warring States”) Period would have rooms in their fortress built with long wooden panels that would ensure they would squeak when stepped on. These were often combined with trap doors to ensure that anyone skilled enough to slip inside would find themselves in a jam quickly!

Gravel yards placed at intervals throughout their estates and round, vertical walls were also popular tricks to ensure easier detection and to give ninjas a harder time of getting inside. And of course, narrow, winding hallways also ensured that a single or group of infiltrators would have a harder time finding their way and could be ambushed when they came around a corner.

Cyber Ninja Artart,
Cyber Ninja Artart,

Combining all this with the latest in alarm systems, biometric locks, facial recognitions software, security cameras, environmental controls and fire sprinklers, you’ve got a pretty handy arsenal with which to fight off skilled assassins and masters of stealth. And  let’s face it, modern ninjas have no doubt updated their repertoire to take advantage of the latest in tech as well, which would most likely include night vision, thermal imaging, flashbangs, airgun grappling hooks, and possibly even knock-out gas.

Were ninjas to become a credible threat to our safety and well-being, this is undoubtedly the kind of database we would want to consult. And as we all know, ninjas are cool! When zombies go the way of vampires and witches, aka. become somewhat of a tired cliche, I’m sure these guys will be in line to become the next big craze!

Ninja Games

8 thoughts on “How to Ninja Proof a House

    1. That’s another matter. I’m thinking some kind of inter- dimensional shielding to prevent them from reaching the inner sanctum of a building would be the only thing that could stop them. And maybe some scanners to detect shape-shifters somehow. Otherwise, be prepared to offer them twice what the other guy is paying!

  1. There’s no mention of what I consider to be the most important defence: ensure your house contains a Hero, specifically a Woman Whose Father Was Killed By An Evil Ninja.

    1. Ah yes, the avenging female lead with a heart that is just earning for love from a male supporting cast member. And perhaps she get killed by the ninja right after they do it, right? Thus forcing the male supporting lead to kill the ninja in single combat. I don’t know, I’m going by some general anime here 😉

      1. I was thinking that the woman would kill the ninja. She spent the ten years since her father’s death training non-stop to become a deadly killer, but couldn’t summon the right mindset to kill someone until her newfound love, the tragic male lead, is murdered right in front of her moments before she could answer his proposal.

      2. Ah good. Anime has a tradition of portraying women, even when they are supposed to be tough, as lilting, and then they usually die! Kinda sucks, you ask me. You’re ending is way better.

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