Can’t believe it but I seemed to have forgotten an all important aspect of zombie fighting with my last post (Zombie Guns). We all know there are certain kinds of firepower that excel at smashing zombie brains. But when it comes right down to it, there’s something to be said for a truly old fashioned weapon. The kind that relies on your swinging arm, or perhaps a little gasoline! I am of course referring to melee weapons, the kind that are designed for hand to hand.
So I am amending my last list to include some prime zombie smashing equipment. I also think I will amend the rules from the last post. Instead of four guns, I think we should get our pick of three plus one melee weapon. That seems fair, and works well with the whole balance of firepower and versatility thing. Bullets run out, but what you got in your hands can keep on killing until you break it or you get overrun! Dammit, all this talk of zombie smashing is making me
The weapon on truly last resort, what you grab a hold of when all else fails or you just plain run out of ammo. In this case, what matters is either blunt force trauma, slicing power, or a combination thereof. Weight and balance are also important, as is compactness and portability. Since this is your last weapon, it should fit on your person without trouble and not be a hassle to get around.
Chopping wood is just one of many uses for this traditional tool turned zombie killer! On the one hand, you can use the blade to chop zombie skulls, then you can turn it around for a little blunt force trauma. This allows for swinging back and forth without having to worry about making sure the sharp end is pointed forward. And it can also be used with one hand, keeping the other free for other weapons!
However, as anyone who’s chopped wood for an extended period of time knows, swinging an axe can get pretty tiring! And even though it can be swung with one hand, its hard to do that and shoot or stab from the other, know what I mean?
Ah yes, the symbol of America’s pastime and the favored weapon of gangsters, gang-bangers and thugs everywhere! And in the event of a zombie apocalypse, its also pretty handy for smashing the heads of the infected/undead! In terms of blunt force trauma, it can’t be beat. Its tough wooden frame can take down a zombie with a single blow, and a few more will finish the job! It’s also quite wieldy and not heavy, making repeated use easy.
Downsides? Well it requires that you keep a hand free to carry it. Otherwise, you need a special carrying sleeve to hold it which can take up added room. Miniature ones can be snuck up your shirt sleeve, but that presents its own problems.
What is it about chainsaws that are just so cool? Is it because they’re gruesome and ruthless, at least in the right hands? Perhaps. But in the right hands, they are also a very good zombie killer. A single slashing cut can take off a zombie head, and simple contact can hew off limbs and chew through their ugly flesh!
Naturally, the size and weight of this weapon can make it a bit unwieldy. And of course it requires two hands which can make cycling between weapons difficult. And last, it requires gasoline to function, which means it has a limited term of service. Lots of killing power, but you pay for it in other ways.
Now here is a pretty awesome combination! The raw killing power of a chainsaw with the added functionality of a bayonet. In addition to providing the user with the grinding power of a chainsaw, it also frees up their hands so they can tote their rifle. This combination gives them killing power at a distance and an effective melee attack if any zombies get in close.
The downside of this is obvious though. The added weight to the front of the rifle makes for depleted accuracy and portability. Basically, a soldier has to hold the front end constantly, forcing them to shoot from the hip instead of taking aim. And again, the weapon is only functional so long as it has a gas supply.
The sword that made Scotland proud and its warriors feared! Heavy, long, sharp and beautifully crafted, this sword is famous for knocking off heads and limbs with single strokes. Its long blade also makes for a good reach against flesh-hungry zombies!
Downsides? Well, its size and weight make it hard to wield. As long as you got two arms and big muscles, you can swing this around and take out any zombie in the vicinity. But anyone doing this can expect to get tired fast. And like the chainsaw, it requires two hands, making cycling difficult.
The knife made famous by the Marine Corps, or was it the other way around? No, I’m pretty sure the Marines were doing fine before this knife came along. Still, its effectiveness as an infantry weapon make it a perfect addition to any zombie killing arsenal. A good 7 inches long, sharp as hell, and made of steel with a carbon tip point, a good thrust will render zombie brains inoperative.
As for downsides, can’t think of many. In close quarters, this is a good weapon to have, being lightweight and requiring only one hand to wield. Of course, the fact that it can’t take off zombie limbs means it can only kill when plunged into a zombie’s skull. And in its current form, it can’t be fixed as a bayonet, making it less versatile than some other blades here.
The little bayonet that could… F*@#! up the face of some zombies! Yes, this spike bayonet has undergone a revival of sorts thanks to the prospect of a zombie apocalypse. Small, adaptable to any rifle, and capable of taking out a zombie brain with a good poke in the eye, this weapon is both portable, versatile, and effective!
It’s small size and the fact that it can be mounted on top also doesn’t eliminate the possibility of a grenade launcher attached to your rifle either. However, the spike is somewhat limited in some respects. Being small and thin, it can’t really penetrate a skull with ease. Overuse can also break it, and its range is somewhat limited.
My thanks to Goran Zidar for suggesting this one. In the event of a zombie attack, this weapon is definitely one I would want on hand! Made of folded, tempered steel, good weight and wieldy, this sword can cut through bone, flesh, knock off heads, and limbs all at once. It can even chop into the brain pan of a zombie when used in an overhead attack.
But of course, the sword still takes two hands to wield effectively. What’s more, in the event of a head attack, it can get stuck in vertebrae and skull bone if not used properly. Always remember to snap the blade back at the end of the strike!
SKS folding bayonet:
This Soviet-era bayonet is famous for being the only gun mounted blade that is retractable. This can be a time saver when it comes time to prepare for a zombie charge, or ensure some added safety should you want to leave the bayonet on full time.
Downsides are few, but the folding attachment means that a stiff blow can detach it from the fixed position. In a zombie fight, you don’t want to find your bayonet folded back on you, thus forcing you refix it between brain stabbings! Having this bayonet on also means you can’t have a rocket launcher fixed to your weapon.
Much like the baseball bat, the machete’s greatest features are its simplicity and brutal efficiency. And just for fun, I selected the Kukri machete, the Nepalese inspired variant which is the workhorse of modern machetes. Few weapons can out-cut this one, and a single blow is about as effective as that of samurai sword. But the Kukri manages to accomplish this with a much smaller frame, making it more compact and portable.
Potential downsides… Well it’s not the easiest thing to carry when not in use. Its curved blade means that you’d need a special holster since you can’t expect to just stick in your pocket, not unless you want to sever something vital! And since it’s smaller than a sword, you can’t really sling it over your back. So yes, portability might be a bit of an issue.
Last, but certainly not least, is the standard M9 infantry bayonet. A favorite amongst the US Army and USMC, the M9 is effective, reliable, and a quick kill option when fixed onto an assault rifle. Fixed at two points to a weapon, the odds of it coming off are also unlikely, making it a sturdy killer as well.
Drawbacks include diminished accuracy, which has been a problem since WWII. Soldiers usually resolve this by waiting until the enemy is close before fixing them. However, this presents the problem of having to take the time to slap it on while the zombie’s approach!
Are You Ready?
Okay, so the rules are clear right? One melee weapon, three guns. GO! My new picks are as follows:
Melee: Kukri Machete
Small Arm: Calico
Rifle: Stey AUG
I’m ready for some zombie smashing! Let me at em!